Lindsay Lohan Enters Rehab for Remedial English

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan, whose grammar-challenged BlackBerry messages had all of Hollywood wondering if English was her first language, checked herself into a remedial writing-and-spelling program at an undisclosed location yesterday.

The actress issued the following statement through her representative, Leslie Sloane Zelnik: “I have made a Proactiv decision to seek adequite help. I apreciate you’re well wishes and ask that you please respeck my privacies at this moment.”

Friends have been speculating for some time that Ms. Lohan’s legendary drinking, sexual promiscuity, and frequent hospital visits are cover ups for feelings of intellectual inadequacy.

“Lindsay’s so retarded she thinks a dangling modifier is a penis,” laughed Paris Hilton. “She TM’d me at a club the other night saying she was in the mood for a few more Dewar’s, only she spelled it Doerz.”

Two weeks ago Ms. Lohan, 20, checked into Century Park Hospital after issuing a statement saying that she was having her “appendex” removed. The next day she was seen leaving the hospital by a rear door on foot, clutching a copy of Spelling for Dummies.

Ms. Lohan’s mother, Dina, in an op-ed piece in THEM Weekly, blamed the media for her daughter’s troubles.

“How would you like it if you’re every udderance was scrutinied by the press? What if all you’re email was made public? I’m just proud of my daughter for acknowledgeing that she has a problem, but its a fixable problem, and before long she’ll be able to procede with writing her autobiography.”

In other news, Jennifer Aniston’s decision to adopt an American baby is being interpreted as proof that she has finally stepped out of the shadows cast over her life by Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, and Angelina Jolie’s lips.

Editor’s note: No spelling checkers were harmed in the writing of this article.

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