Five Drugstore Items You Always Buy “For a Friend”
Breathes there a man with soul so dead who never to a clerk has said, “It’s for a friend”?
Indeed we have all mumbled that sorry-ass excuse while dumping some deeply personal product onto the counter as the cashier pretends not to judge us and fails sneeringly. The cashier doesn’t believe you. The “friend” doesn’t exist, but your rash, your romantic optimism, and your poor, exhausted lower intestines? They are very real. According to Consumer Reports, these are the top five shame-laced items you swear aren’t for you.
- Extra-Strength Hemorrhoid Cream–You claim your “friend” is a cyclist. Or a long-haul trucker. Or a competitive squat-thrust enthusiast with “issues.” Yet we all know that friend is your butt, and your butt is crying. Loudly.
- 3 a.m. Jumbo Box of Condoms–Nothing says “This is for someone else” like nervously tossing a family-size pack of glow-in-the-dark love balloons on the counter alongside Tic Tacs and a bottle of Axe. Bonus points if you add, “He’s got a really big weekend planned.” Yes, he does.
- Wart Remover Kit (With Freeze Technology) “It’s for my nephew’s science project,” you chirp. Sure. Because all good science projects involve liquid nitrogen and foot warts. Just admit it. You’ve got a toe that looks like a medieval torture victim–and move on.
- Home Hair Dye: “Desperate Raven” Black–“It’s for a friend who’s going through a breakup.” Yeah, we’ve heard that one before. Especially since you’re also buying tissues, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and screaming silently into your phone while texting “U up?” to someone named Colin. Spoiler: he is not.
- Yeast Infection Treatment (Value Pack)–You whisper, “It’s for a friend,” as if the pharmacist cares; but we see you sweating in shame, grabbing cranberry juice, and mumbling something about “cottage cheese gone rogue.” Look, it’s biology, not a war crime. Own your itch.
Honorable Mention: Laxatives + Sugar-Free Gummy Bears + an air of frantic doom. When the digestive storm is coming, all dignity is lost. “It’s for a friend,” you lie, clenching every available muscle group. May the odds be ever in your colon’s favor.