Colin Farrell Sex Tape, Two Thumbs Down
The entertainment world was reminded once again this week that what happens in Vegas does not always stay in Vegas, especially if someone brought a camera. A long-dormant Colin Farrell sex video—shot during what experts believe was either a lost weekend or a lost month—briefly resurfaced online before being swatted down by attorneys who now sleep with one eye open.
Farrell’s legal team, whose collective blood pressure rivals that of a hummingbird on espresso, issued a statement describing the footage as “unauthorized,” “unfortunate,” and “unhelpful to ongoing personal-growth narratives.” They did not clarify whether the narrative in question was Farrell’s, theirs, or society’s as a whole.
Observers who managed to view the clip during its short re-appearance said the actor seemed to be in “classic early-2000s form,” a phrase interpreted by historians to mean shirtless, fearless, and famously unfiltered. One witness described the video as “grainy, chaotic, and oddly tender,” adding, “I’ve seen worse cinematography in prestige dramas.”
The woman in the video—now living blissfully far from Los Angeles—issued her own statement through counsel, noting that she wished everyone “health, happiness, and less curiosity.” She added that the incident should serve as “a reminder to read the fine print on anything with a blinking red light.”
Farrell, for his part, has chosen the high road. His representative confirmed the actor is “focused on projects that involve substantially fewer depositions” and is eager to move forward. Those familiar with the matter say the only winners in the entire ordeal are the nation’s entertainment lawyers, who have once again proven that billable hours grow wild and free wherever scandal takes root.
For now, the video has returned to its natural habitat: the deep ocean of things that should probably remain unseen but never quite manage to stay buried.
