Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Gwyneth Paltrow Talks Breast Correction Surgery at U.N.

t-shirt that says "try not to be a cunt

NEW YORK – Gwyneth Paltrow is scheduled to take her campaign for breast-correction surgery to the United Nations next week. There the maven of GOOP will address the U.N.’s Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women. She is expected to announce her plans to raise money to provide free corrective surgery for women in Third World countries who have suffered “the heartbreaking physical effects” of breast-feeding their children.

“When I saw firsthand the devastation that resulted from breast-feeding my kids,” said the actor/rapper/nutritionist, “my first thought was, ‘I’ve got to get these puppies fixed.’ Then I thought of all the less fortunate women in the world who couldn’t afford to give their boobies a face lift.”

Saddened by the image of all those hooters pointing earthward instead of skyward in National Geographic spreads, Ms. Paltrow decided to “do something uplifting for my fellow sisters.” She contacted Doctors without Borders with a novel suggestion.

“Since Doctors Without Borders already works in many impoverished countries, like the Sudan, they could perform breast-correction surgery on women while sewing up their gunshot wounds. That’s a win-win situation.”

Lisa Littlehales, lead nurse counsellor at The Harley Medical Group in Chester, England, praised Ms. Paltrow’s “humanitarian instincts” and the example she sets for women.

“Gwyneth Paltrow is a great example of the ideal breast-surgery patient; she appears to be fit, takes regular exercise, is reported to eat healthily, confirms she doesn’t drink to excess or smoke, [and] so is in excellent health. This woman should be an example to Third World women everywhere.”

Nevertheless, U.N. approval of Ms. Paltrow’s scheme is not guaranteed. Some delegates still remember the trouble that ensued several years ago when Ms. Paltrow donated thirty outdoor, wood-burning pizza ovens to residents of Namibia. Three infant deaths occurred when several of the families who received the wood-burning stoves mistakenly thought they were heated baby cribs.

“As a home cook, one of the best things I’ve ever done was to build a wood burning oven in the back yard,” said a shaken Ms. Paltrow when she learned of the deaths.

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.