♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’re charging headfirst into disaster again, aren’t you? This week, your impulsiveness will lead you to buy something expensive, unnecessary, and perhaps illegal. But at least you’ll look confident doing it. Your lucky number is 911.
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You say you’re “grounded,” but really you’re just stubborn with a Pinterest board. You’ll refuse to change your mind even when presented with facts, logic, and a PowerPoint. Your comfort zone is a prison, and you’re the warden. Snack accordingly.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll ghost someone mid-conversation, then text them at 2 a.m. with a meme and no explanation. Your duality isn’t mysterious—it’s exhausting. Try finishing a sentence before starting a new personality. Mercury’s in retrograde, but you’ve been in chaos since birth.
♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’re not “emotional,” you’re a walking flood warning. You’ll cry this week over a commercial, a pigeon, and a memory that may not have happened. Your coping mechanism is baking cookies for people who don’t deserve them. Stop it. Bake for yourself.
♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You demand attention like a cat in a Zoom call. You’ll post a thirst trap with a caption about “healing.” No one’s fooled. Your aura is glitter and delusion. But hey, at least you’re entertaining. Your lucky color is spotlight.
♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve made a spreadsheet for your feelings again. Your need for control will clash with reality, which doesn’t care about your bullet journal. Try relaxing. Or don’t. You’ll just schedule a breakdown for Thursday at 3:15 anyway.
♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ll spend 45 minutes choosing a font, then ask someone else to make your life decisions. You’ll ghost a toxic ex, then text them “just to check in.” Your indecision is your aesthetic. Your lucky charm is a coin to flip.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re not mysterious—you’re just emotionally unavailable with eyeliner. You’ll uncover a secret no one asked you to find. You’ll also fall in love with someone’s trauma yet again. Your lucky object is a locked diary you wrote in blood.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll book a spontaneous trip to “find yourself,” then lose your passport and dignity. This week, you’ll offend someone with your “brutal honesty,” then call it a personality trait. Your lucky destination is anywhere but here. Preferably with Wi-Fi.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’ve been grinding so hard, you forgot what joy feels like. Perhaps you’ll try to monetize your hobbies and alienate your friends with unsolicited career advice. Your lucky number is your bank balance, which you check more than your pulse.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re not quirky, you’re just emotionally detached and into conspiracy theories. You’ll invent a new philosophy, forget to shower, and ghost someone because they used an emoji you didn’t vibe with. Your lucky element is air, because you’re full of it.
♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re a dreamer, which is a nice way of saying “chronically avoidant.” You’ll fall in love with a barista, write them a poem, and never speak to them again. Your lucky escape is a nap you call a “vision quest.”
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