KISS Cam Catastrophes
What could be worse than getting caught grappling with someone who is not your wife (but is somebody else’s wife) on a KISS Cam at a Coldplay show?
Not much. Maybe open-mouthed coughing into a baptismal font, or being filmed throwing dollar bills at your chiropractor’s cover band. But the Coldplay cam-fumble is its own genre of disgrace—a blend of pastel shame, public confusion, lame music, and the kind of slow-motion moral fallout that only unfolds under laser-lit renditions of “Fix You.”
This is not your dad’s rock concert. This is spiritual real estate for couples whose therapist told them to “try more emotional vulnerability in shared activities.” You’re not caught cheating. You’re caught cosplaying unity in front of 40,000 people who just spent $12 on biodegradable confetti and artisanal hummus.
There are fates worse than this death, however. What if you had gotten busted at any of the following shows?
Train: Their lyrics feel like someone asked ChatGPT to write poetry in the style of “divorced dad trying to be whimsical.” “Drops of Jupiter” remains the anthem of emotionally stunted guitar teachers everywhere. Caught on Cam: A couple who think they’re quirky because they own a refurbished typewriter and once slow-danced at a silent disco. PDA ensues during “Calling All Angels” while they sip overpriced canned wine in mason jars.
Maroon 5 (Post-2015 Era): Adam Levine went from “seductive crooner” to “sentient eyebrow trying to sell you cologne.” The music devolved into algorithm-baiting pseudo-funk designed to appeal to people who confuse vibe with personality. Caught on Cam: A pair who met during a corporate retreat icebreaker. She’s wearing a fedora without irony. He references his Enneagram type before going in for the kiss mid-“Sugar.” You can smell the brunch reservations through the screen. Someone in the crowd is definitely live-tweeting “just saw Chad kiss his sidepiece during ‘Animals’—pray for Melissa.”
The Chainsmokers: They’re the sonic embodiment of vape clouds and undercooked emotional depth. The air smells like rancid glitter-infused with regret. Songs like “Paris” try to be reflective but end up sounding like the voiceover to a dating reality show filmed in a Miami Airbnb. Caught on Cam: Two people with matching “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” tattoos. They pretend the kiss is ironic while filming it for their joint TikTok account. She’s wearing glitter boots; he’s dressed like he’s auditioning for season 3 of Euphoria. Their PDA reads more like a brand collab than a relationship.
Imagine Dragons: Their songs sound like a halftime show choreographed by marketing interns who just discovered symbolism. Every track screams “Corporate inspiration!” with war drums and vaguely apocalyptic metaphors that mean absolutely nothing. Caught on Cam: A couple dressed in matching Lululemon windbreakers. They exchange eye contact like they’re about to invest in NFTs together. One of them mouths “we’re built different” as they kiss during “Radioactive.”
Nickelback: Imagine a sentient monster energy drink learned guitar and decided to rhyme “photograph” with “what the hell is on Joey’s head.” Their catalog is like the soundtrack to a Monster Truck rally where emotions go to die. You’re not just exposed. You’ve become lore. The crowd is chanting “This is how you remind me!” and you’re sobbing because the woman next to you isn’t your wife—she’s your former boss, and this was supposed to be a networking opportunity. Caught on Cam: Couple just got back together for the third time after a fight about whose turn it was to Venmo for gas. She’s crying during “Far Away,” he’s chewing gum aggressively. The kiss looks like an apology wrapped in denial.
