Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Britney Spears New Son Revives Spay Campaign

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The campaign to spay Britney Spears, launched in May by Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania’s leading celebrity satire website, was given renewed life yesterday when Ms. Spears delivered her second son.

“This is the leg up our campaign needs,” said Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the Pug Bus. “When we launched the Spay Britney movement in the spring, Ms. Spears was already pregnant, so there really was no opportunity to spay her. Now, however, the window of opportunity is open, so to speak.”

Fortunately, said Mr. Maggitti, some of the campaign’s most prominent sponsors were willing to stay the course. The American Kennel Club (AKC), the Mensa Society, and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) have remained steadfast in their support for this humanitarian campaign.

“Even with the rash of celebrity adoptions, there are still too many children in need of good homes,” said AKC president, Ed Wilberforce. “We don’t need backyard breeders adding to that number.”

The Mensa Society, which as a matter of course opposes all matings among “humanoids” (non-Mensa persons), said that Ms. Spears should be satisfied with producing one or two slam-dunk candidates for Darwin awards.

“Her village doesn’t need any more idiots,” said Mensa president, Skip Dangerfield.

For its part the ACLU declared, “A woman’s right to bear children does not include the right to feed them ice cream to help them get to sleep at night.”

“Spaying is an entirely safe procedure,” added Mr. Maggitti. “Women who have been spayed are still affectionate, and they can lead happy, productive lives. What’s more, they don’t drive people crazy by howling and sticking their butts in the air when they’re in season, and they don’t put on weight if they exercise properly and watch their diets.

“For the sake of generations yet unborn, this woman must be prevented from bringing more children into the world,” Mr. Maggitti concluded. “We urge you to send e-mails of support to [email protected] while there is yet time. Ms. Spears’ biological clock is still ticking, and it’s keeping the rest of us awake.”

In other news, representatives for Haley Joel Osment are said to be salivating at the possibility that their client will be chosen to play Anna Nicole Smith’s son, Daniel, who died recently of unnatural causes in a Bahamas hospital, where his mother was recovering after giving birth to his baby sister.    

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