Wednesday, June 12, 2024
Culture

Katie Couric Sign-off Contest Finalists Announced

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NEW YORK – Katie Couric, the first solo evening news anchor who’s ever had a colonoscopy on live television, admitted on her initial broadcast, Tuesday, that she was SOL for a clever sign-off line.

Ms. Couric, also the first solo evening news anchor who’s ever had a mammogram on live television, has vowed to give her viewers a look at the news from the inside, but first there’s the little matter of that sign-off line.

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Ms. Couric, who does not do her own writing now that she’s a role model for widows of a certain age, asked viewers to send her suggestions for a unique sign-off, adding that suggestions accompanied by colorectal-friendly recipes would be given special consideration.

Tonight, immediately following her special on pap smears—in which she will become the first solo evening news anchor to undergo a pap smear on a live broadcast—Ms. Couric will bravely ask her viewers to choose from the following finalists in the Katie Couric sign-off-line competition.

1. That’s the news, and if you don’t like it, you can bite my ass.

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2. This has been Katie Couric, bending over frontward to bring you the news.

3. I’m Katie Couric, and I approve this message.

4. Don’t take it laying down unless you’re being paid to.

5. Eat your heart out, Connie Chung, I’m getting my toes sucked.

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6. This has been Katie Couric, and these puppies are real.

7. Good night and good screwing.

8. This is Katie Couric, reminding you, if at first you don’t succeed, hike up your skirt.

9. Don’t blame me; I only read this shit; I don’t make it up.

10. This is Katie Couric and her vagina, bidding you good night.    

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