Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Suri Cruise Photos Expected to Fuel Stock Market Rally

an image

NEW YORK – The publication of the first pictures of Suri Cruise should drive many stock prices higher, financial analysts predict. The long-anticipated images, featured in an exclusive twenty-two-page spread in the October issue of Vanity Fair, hit newsstands in New York and Los Angeles today and in other markets next Tuesday.

Some of the photos were also featured on CBS Evening News with Katie Couric last night.

“The release of the photos puts to rest a simmering uncertainty that had kept many investors on the sidelines,” said James Michaels, a senior stock trader at Wedbush Morgan Securities in Los Angeles.

“The apparent normalcy of the child means that we’re more likely to see a soft rather than a hard landing for the economy.”

One of the companies expected to benefit most from the Suri photos is VitroQwik—XXY-N (US$)—a fertility company that specializes in the production of test-tube children whose “fathers” suffer from abnormally low sperm counts.

“We’re thrilled that Suri Cruise has two of everything she’s supposed to have two of,” said VitroQwik’s president, Dominic Horton.

“Our stock had been in the shitter following the birth of several quote-unquote defective children to VitroQwik clients, but Tom had faith in us and in our commitment to Scientology, and now we’re in a win-win situation.”

Looking for a great prank idea? Why don’t you fool all your friends and members of your family with fake college transcripts!

Ever think about getting a fake degree certificate to fool your co-workers in the office or at a party or social gathering?

At Phony Diploma you can get fake college degrees and
 certificates for any joke, prank, or gag!
Other market segments expected to ride the Suri wave include robotics, artificial intelligence, and computer chips, but the rising tide will not life all boats.

Viacom, which recently severed ties with Mr. Cruise’ production company, may be in for some rough times, as will pharmaceutical companies and charities.

“That’s the only downside here,” observed Poole Williams, president of the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis.

“Had the Cruises elected to give away the $6.66 million they got from Vanity Fair for one-time rights to the photos, we might have seen an upsurge in charity stocks. Unfortunately, the Cruises kept the money because Tom is currently out of work.”

In other news, in what may be the first reaction to the shocking and sudden weight loss produced by the Photoshop diet, Nicole Richie has recently appeared in pictures looking twenty pounds heavier.    

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.