National Drink Straight Out of the Carton Day
Today we honor the brave, the bold, the backscratchers. The people who look a carton of milk dead in the spout and say, “You. Me. Now. No middleman. No glass. No shame.” Furthermore, we should stop pretending this isn’t what the carton wants. It was designed for the authoritative hand. That little spout? That’s not a pour—it’s a kiss. And today, we kiss back.
National Drink Straight Out of the Carton Day is for those who live alone, or wish they did. For roommates who’ve given up, for spouses who’ve stopped pretending, for children who’ve learned that rebellion tastes like ice cold orange juice at 2 a.m.
And don’t limit yourself to dairy milk. Almond, soy, goat, hemp, cashew, breast—if it comes in a carton, it’s fair game. Bonus points if you make eye contact with someone while doing it. Extra bonus points if that someone is your mother-in-law.
Of course, there will be haters. The “cup people.” The “hygiene crowd.” The “I don’t want your saliva in my Tropicana” brigade. To them we say: grow up. Or better yet, drink up. Because nothing builds immunity like a little shared bacteria and a lot of emotional detachment.
So raise that carton high. Let it dribble down your chin like the feral god you are. Today, we drink not just for thirst—but for freedom, a celebration of civilized defiance.
