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Angelina Jolie Disappointed by Results of Poll

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MALIBU – Angelina Jolie was not amused to learn that more than two out of three respondents to a recent Internet poll failed to recognize her adopted son’s middle name. Although Ms. Jolie stopped short of questioning the accuracy of the poll—or the integrity of its sponsor—she said the results of the poll demonstrated “the abysmal lack of current event knowledge” among the American people.

“That’s why I adopted my first two children overseas,” said Ms. Jolie. “Older cultures respect knowledge of current events more than the United States does.”

The poll in question, sponsored by this website, was conducted between January 21 and February 11. Lewis Canter, official pollster for the website, defended the poll’s accuracy.

“The percentage of votes cast in each of the five poll categories added up to 100 percent,” said Mr. Canter. “That proves the poll is accurate.”

Respondents to the poll—1,492 Americans between the ages of sixteen and seventy-six—were asked to identify the word “Chivan.” Was it the name of Angelina Jolie’s new perfume line; her adopted son’s middle name; the name of Kliban’s younger brother; the hottest new SUV in Chicago; or the name of a chives-and-vanilla tea sold at Starbucks?         

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Only 30 percent of the respondents correctly identified “Chivan,” which means “lucky little Mohawk-wearing bastard” in Cambodian, as the middle name of Maddox Jolie-

The most popular choice, a chives-and-vanilla tea sold at Starbucks, garnered 31 percent of the responses. The name of Angelina Jolie’s new perfume line came in third with 19 percent of the responses, followed by the hottest new SUV in Chicago, 12 percent, and Kliban’s younger brother, 8 percent.

Following his defense of the poll, Mr. Canter revealed the correct identities of the incorrect answers to the poll question.

“The chives-and-vanilla tea at Starbucks is called ‘chinilla,'” said Mr. Canter. “Ms. Jolie’s new perfume line is called Blood Lust. The hottest new SUV in Chicago is the BMW Search Engine Spoiler, and Kliban’s younger brother is named Rayban.”

In related news, hockey great Wayne Gretzky told reporters he did not think it odd that his wife had wagered more than $500,000 on sports without his knowledge. “I didn’t know she had had our fifth child until it was time for the kid’s first birthday party, eh,” said Mr. Gretzky.    

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