Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Salad dressing on the side or on the top?

MB

Marlowe Brint, artisnal jewelry designer

Reportedly outside Santa Fe, NM

On the side, obviously. A salad should retain the illusion of free will until the very last moment. Once dressed, it has chosen a direction and can never go back.

EV

Evelyn Voss, lobster fisher person

May once have lived in Bangor, ME

I prefer it on top, but only in a thin ceremonial line, as priests once applied oils to objects they feared and respected. A salad without dressing is just yard work in a bowl.

CK

Clyde Ketter, attack dog trainer

Unverified, but emphatically from Akron, OH

Neither. The correct approach is to keep the dressing nearby in a separate vessel and let the salad absorb its presence psychologically. That is how my father did it, and his lettuce feared him.

Adverse Effects

The following lines may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.

Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day

8 months Chip Hilton bookof-daze

A cartoon image of Clark Gable. — “And that’s the name of that tune.”

On Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day, language is not spoken, it’s sampled. Communication is cobbled together from decades of cinema, and emotional intimacy is forged through quotes often misattributed and wildly out of context.

Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day began in 2006 when a Jared Holmgren, a Blockbuster employee in Peoria, Illinois, went an entire eight-hour shift responding to customers only in movie lines. His final words to his manager were: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” He was fired at once. A hero was born.

Traditional observances on Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day include flirting entirely in When Harry Met Sally quotes; starting every meeting with “Let’s put a smile on that face!”; ending conversations with “This is the way” and then walking off dramatically, regardless of context.

Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day couples argue exclusively in Marriage Story lines. Teens message in Mean Girls vocabulary. Boomers use Gladiator quotes to order at Panera.

The current record-holder for this day is Denise “Quotey D” LaGrange of Akron, who once went six consecutive days without an original sentence. She proposed to her now-husband using dialogue from The Princess Bride, The Godfather, and Shrek 2. He said yes. Or technically, he said: “You complete me.”

There is no formal dress code associated with Book of Daze Have a Conversation Entirely in Movie Quotes Day, but trench coats, sunglasses indoors, and slow-motion walking are encouraged. Just remember: if someone says “May the Force be with you,” the correct response is not, “Thanks.” It’s “And also with you.” Obviously.

Warning: Avoid interacting with anyone who seldom sees a movie. They will stare at you blankly as you declare, “There’s no crying in baseball!” in line at the DMV.

Browse the full Book of Daze

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

The Pug Bus Instant Newsletter

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Deliver It

⚡ The FDA has approved the first prescription-strength silence, available in 30-day supplies for patients whose doctors have determined they are talking too much. Side effects include clarity, improved listening, and a brief period of being liked.

⚡ A bipartisan congressional caucus has formed to study the feasibility of doing nothing faster. Early results suggest the group is ahead of schedule.

⚡ Netflix has announced a new content category called Shows You Will Start But Not Finish, to be featured prominently alongside Things You Have Already Seen Twice and Movies You Forgot You Watched. Subscribers describe the experience as having a lot of options.