National Kimchi Day
Celebrating the one fermented food that can simultaneously cure a cold, start a fight, and summon ancestral spirits with gastrointestinal issues. National Kimchi Day—a holiday so pungent your fridge smells like a medieval dungeon and your Tupperware files for divorce.
The following are among the many legal deployments for kimchi:
DIY Pepper Spray Substitute–Wave an open jar of one-hundred-day-aged kimchi near an intruder. Nine times more effective than mace and teaches a valuable lesson about respecting cultural side dishes.
Emotional Support Ferment–Carry a tiny jar in your pocket or, if you’re really down with it, around your neck on a chain. Whisper your fears into it. By week’s end, the kimchi will have absorbed your sadness and replaced it with acid reflux and mild enlightenment.
Kimchi Spa Day–Slather it generously on your face, hair, and sense of dignity. Let it exfoliate your skin and your past delusions, real and imagined. Additionally, birds won’t come near you for weeks.
Exorcism Aid– Standing on your dominant leg, throw a rounded tablespoon of kimchi into your haunted closet. The ghosts will leave immediately and Yelp about the “intolerable vibes.”
Currency for the Post-Apocalyptic Future–When society collapses, kimchi will be more valuable than Bitcoin, ammo, or decent Wi-Fi. Stockpile accordingly.
Pet Kimchi–Name it. Feed it warm stares. Talk to it late at night. Eventually it will whisper back, in Korean and vinegar.
Celebrate responsibly. Don’t ferment and drive.
