National Skip Church and Watch Porn Day
(Because salvation is subjective and sometimes comes in 1080p.)
Today we cast off the itchy wool of piety and slip into something more comfortable—like shame-resistant loungewear and a remote/browser set to incognito. This is not a day of rest. This is a day of release. National Skip Church and Watch Porn Day.
Let the pews gather dust. Let the hymns go unsung. Let the collection plate remain empty, save for a single crumpled Kleenex and a vague sense of guilt. Today, the only communion you’ll be taking is with yourself—and possibly a stepmom-themed video that somehow has forty-seven million views.
This isn’t blasphemy though. This is balance. For every sermon about sin, there’s a search bar that says “U up?” For every wafer, a webcam. For every “go in peace,” a “click here for more.”
Don’t worry, either, that “God sees everything.” He’s seen worse. He watched the Crusades. The Spanish Inquisition. The Bachelor. He’ll survive your Sunday morning scroll through “mature amateurs” and “forbidden confessions.”
So light a candle if you must. Just make sure it’s scented and strategically placed. And if anyone asks where you were this morning, say you were deep in reflection. Technically, it’s not a lie.
Deliver us from the buffer. Holy be the pause button. Go forth and sin selectively.
