Tuesday, February 20, 2024
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President Obama Plans Portuguese Water Dog Bailout

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Having asked Congress for three trillion dollars to bail out banks, mortgage scofflaws, the educational system, health care, and the Recording Industry Association of America, President Barack Obama is poised to announce as early as next week his plan to bail out a Portuguese water dog from an animal shelter.

“We have lived through an era where short-term breed popularity was prized over a dog’s quality of life,” said the president yesterday in a conference call to the editors of Dog FancyBarkPuppy-Puppy, and Dog&Kennel magazines.

“Animal welfare regulations were gutted for the sake of a quick profit. People bought breeds they knew they couldn’t afford, while house training and lifestyle issues were put off for another day. Well, that day is here.”

The president then went on to heap praise on his chosen breed.

“This is more than just a dog that will not make my daughter break out in puss warts. There is in Portuguese water dogs a generosity, a resilience, a decency, and a determination that perseveres.”

Reactions to the president’s decision were varied. Senator Edward M. Kennedy, who owns three Portuguese water dogs—Splash, Sunny, and Cappy—told reporters, “Our dogs Slappy, Clash, and Honey—no, wait, I mean Spats, Dewey, and Huey—look forward to welcoming the new first dog to Washington.”

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Louisiana governor, Bobby “Slumdog” Jindal, criticized the president for adopting a working dog as a pet for his daughters.

“What the president proposes is the first step down the path to a canine welfare state. Water dogs were meant to work for their keep, not pose for photo ops on the way to the helicopter that takes them to Air Force One. The president should have stuck to one of those yappy, drawing-room breeds like the Shiz Tsu, which has never worked a day in its life. That’s his real constituency.”

Arizona senator John McCain, who lost the 2008 presidential election to Mr. Obama, said he did not think his rival was qualified to lead such an energetic, often mischievous breed as the Portuguese water dog.

“The president might know what it’s like to go wading off the beaches of Hawaii,” said Senator McCain, “but the Portuguese water dog needs a leader who’s survived in deep water after he had to ditch his plane.”

In other news, the American Kennel Club is responding to the news of President Obama’s Portuguese water dog bailout by adding more water dog accessories to its canine store.    

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