Ranking the Five Worst Diet Plans

5. The Air Diet. Breathe deeply, chew nothing. This French-invented horror involves pretending to eat while gazing hungrily at soup. Weight loss is guaranteed—along with delirium, rage, and spontaneous poetry. Excellent for imaginary dinner parties.

4. The Tapeworm Tango. Just you, a worm, and a dream. Swallow a parasite, let it do the calorie math. Sure, it’s illegal, unsanitary, and medically deranged, but it’s the only diet plan that comes with a roommate you never have to talk to.

3. The Goop Enlightenment Cleanse. Consume only moonlight, crushed crystals, and vague promises. Gwyneth-approved and science-free, this cleanse will flush your wallet and bowels simultaneously. Includes jade eggs, spiritual judgment, and a scented candle named “Spleen Awakening.”

2. The Carnivore Clown Protocol. Red meat, rage, and Ronald McDonald cosplay. All carbs are heresy, and salad is for traitors. Side effects include chest pain, uncontrollable patriotism, and yelling “Beta Soyboy!” at strangers holding lentils.

1. The Sad Divorce Breakfast Diet. Every meal is a single boiled egg, a sleeve of saltines, and the echo of your ex’s laughter. Coffee is black, dreams are gray, and lunch is canceled indefinitely. It’s not healthy, but it feels thin.