Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Sex Scandal Rocks Christian Mingle: Breaking News

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WEST CHESTER, Pa. – The massively popular dating site Christian Mingle has been rocked by a sex scandal. “Threesomes, foursomes, pedophilia, bestiality, anal sex, cock fingering, scat play, you name it and apparently ‘God will provide it’ through Christian Mingle,” said Pug Bus chief sex crimes investigator Warren T. Smith. “If god had a hand in this business, he really does work in mysterious ways.”

These stunning revelations, said Smith, “explain why Christian Mingle’s membership is growing faster than a teen-age boy’s erection while he’s wrestling with some virginity pledge hottie in the back of his father’s SUV.”

Understandably, rival dating-site founders are showing no mercy over the Christian Mingle revelations.

“I’m not surprised at all that Christian Mingle is resorting to some rather un-Christian private chat rooms to boost its membership,” said eHarmony co-founder, Neil Clark Warren, 78, a clinical psychologist, Christian theologian, and seminary professor. “Their members appear to be multiplying faster than the loaves and fishes.”

Indeed. The web site Christian Mingle Review claims that Christian Mingle welcomes “11,000,000 visitors every month and has a total of 1,800,000 unique visitors . . . 2237.7% more than the average of all dating web sites.”

Such a growth spurt cannot be explained merely by the fact that Christian Mingle offers free membership to women. Insiders tell the Pug Bus that anyone who knows which chat rooms to join can find “whatever it is that creams his or her jeans.” Click the “Suffer the Little Children” button, select “private chat,” enter your password, and you will meet some little children who look to be truly suffering.

Other popular private chat rooms include “Turn the Other Cheek,” “My Brother’s Keeper,” and “Delight Yourself.”

The office at Christian Mingle did not return repeated calls from the Pug Bus seeking comment. Our calls were routed to an answering message that said: “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4”    

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