The Daily Irregular Horoscopes — July 20, 2025
(Delivered fresh, like a bitch slap from the cosmos.)
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You are full of ideas today. Sadly, most of them are banned by the California Highway Payroll. Proceed with caution and at least one sighted lawyer. The ground hog in your back yard? It knows.
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20): Your stubbornness pays off today when you win an argument with your toaster. Victory is Pyrrhic, but breakfast is warm. Avoid small talk with people who use the phrase “plant-based economy.”
Gemini (May 21–Jun 20): You will argue both sides of a debate, lose, win, then cancel yourself. Your dual nature is a feature, not a bug—unless you’re dating. Then it’s a 404 Error of the Heart.
Cancer (Jun 21–Jul 22): You feel deeply today. Too deeply. Like, “crying over a dropped grape” deeply. It’s fine. Just tell everyone you’re rehearsing for a one-person play titled Feeling: A Meltdown in Twelve Acts.
Leo (Jul 23–Aug 22): You will enter every room like it’s the stage of a moderately successful Vegas magic show. Don’t explain the cape. Just own it. Beware compliments; some are booby-trapped with “but …”
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22): Today’s a great day to alphabetize your embarrassments. You’ll get stuck on “M” (Mistakes, Missed Connections, Mimosas) and spiral, but it’s productive spiraling. Reward yourself with a lint-free collapse.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): Balance is a myth today. So is tact. You’ll accidentally start a feud between two coworkers over the ethics of mayo. Don’t mediate—monologue. Loudly. While holding a clipboard.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): You exude mystery and danger today, like a haunted bidet. People will fear you and also ask for your skincare routine. Share nothing. Especially not your Wi-Fi password.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): You want to travel, but the universe wants you to stay home and confront the existential vacuum behind your spice rack. Don’t flee. There are answers behind the turmeric.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): Achievement is your drug today. Side effects include spreadsheets, passive-aggressive Post-its, and dreaming about tax season. Take a break. Eat something that doesn’t come in bar form.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): You’re too ahead of your time today. Like, “inventing an app for telepathic dog therapy” ahead. No one gets it. You’ll be thanked in the future by very chill golden retrievers.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): You’re more porous than usual, absorbing everyone’s trauma like a human ShamWow. Retreat to a bathtub, real or metaphorical. No one deserves your tears more than you.
g 23–Sep 22): Today’s a great day to alphabetize your embarrassments. You’ll get stuck on “M” (Mistakes, Missed Connections, Mimosas) and spiral, but it’s productive spiraling. Reward yourself with a lint-free collapse.
Libra (Sep 23–Oct 22): Balance is a myth today. So is tact. You’ll accidentally start a feud between two coworkers over the ethics of mayo. Don’t mediate—monologue. Loudly. While holding a clipboard.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21): You exude mystery and danger today, like a haunted bidet. People will fear you and also ask for your skincare routine. Share nothing. Especially not your Wi-Fi password.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21): You want to travel, but the universe wants you to stay home and confront the existential vacuum behind your spice rack. Don’t flee. There are answers behind the turmeric.
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19): Achievement is your drug today. Side effects include spreadsheets, passive-aggressive Post-its, and dreaming about tax season. Take a break. Eat something that doesn’t come in bar form.
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18): You’re too ahead of your time today. Like, “inventing an app for telepathic dog therapy” ahead. No one gets it. You’ll be thanked in the future by very chill golden retrievers.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20): You’re more porous than usual, absorbing everyone’s trauma like a human ShamWow. Retreat to a bathtub, real or metaphorical. No one deserves your tears more than you.
