The Five Most Bizarre and Impractical Items on Sale This Prime Day
Prime Day–that forty-eight-hour fever dream (plus prequels and extensions) when adult humans willingly buy Bluetooth egg trays and USB-powered neck massagers shaped like squid. Prime Days are not about needing things, they’re about almost needing things, then panic-clicking “Buy Now” like it’s a moral obligation.
This year’s crop of puzzling deals did not disappoint. They’re delightfully unhinged, solve no problems, and are guaranteed to spark several conversations with your therapist.
The Electric Cheese Melter Gun™
A gun. For cheese? This compact, rechargeable device promises to blast artisanal fromage onto your food with the precision of a trained raclette sniper. Just the thing for reenacting scenes from Top Gun while making grilled cheese sandwiches. Sure, you could use a stove. Or a microwave. Or a spoon. But this is America, and we demand our dairy weaponized. Melt responsibly. MSRP: $27.43 Now 55% off
Disco Portable Toilet-Rave Kit (with Motion Sensors!)
When nature calls … let this device light up your life. It’s LED. It’s motion-activated. It glows in eight seizure-adjacent colors and syncs to your phone. Clearly, your bathroom break deserves production values. Moreover, you never know when you might want to host a rave in your guest bathroom. Disco mode is real. So is your regret. MSRP: $44.99 Now 60% off
Wi-Fi Enabled Pet Rock
The stone that stares back. This soulless pebble connects to your Wi-Fi and plays “chill lo-fi beats to vibe to” through a tiny speaker. It does not respond to commands. It does not blink. It knows. Buy one fpr yourself and another for passive-aggressively giving to your crypto-enthusiast nephew. MSRP: $39.95 Now60% off
Portable Sauna Suit (Deluxe Vinyl Edition)
Bring the sweat lodge to your body. Imagine wearing a hot air balloon filled with soup. Now imagine that it’s on you. This wearable garbage bag promises “detoxification through accelerated sweat.” What it delivers is heatstroke, an odd rash, and the smell of boiled regret. MSRP: $46.88 Now 90% off
Life-Size 3D Printed Statue of Yourself (Marble Finish)
Because one of you just isn’t enough. Besides, you might need a stand-in at parties, funerals, or parole hearings. Available in three terrifying finishes—“Marble,” “Granite,” and “Glorious Narcissism”—this six-foot plastic rendering of you arrives in six-to-eight weeks and immediately takes over your living room. Bonus: the seller offers “pose coaching,” which is just as intimate as it sounds. MSRP: $3,200
BOTTOM LINE? Prime Day isn’t about good taste. It’s about good timing and just enough disposable income to buy a banana peeler that doubles as a panic whistle. Go forth, brave consumer. May your cart runneth over—and your conscience remain conveniently offline.
