Monday, May 20, 2024
Culture

Walmart Intruduces CBD-Infused Dental Dams

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NEW YORK—Walmart Inc [NYSE: WMT, 116.92, ▲ 0.90 (0.78%)] announced yesterday that it will begin selling CBD-infused dental dams in all its retail outlets by September 25. The move is seen by industry analysts as an attempt to boost dental dam sales—an attempt, if you will, to encourage Walmart customers to put their money where their mouths are.

“Dental dams have traditionally been a ‘forgotten’ item in big box stores,” said industry analyst Martin Lacrosse Sr. of Merrill Lynch. “The addition of trendy flavors like mocha latte to appeal to millennials did not result in the turnover that retailers wanted, so Walmart is obviously banking on the massive appeal of CBD.”

That appeal, which has been used to improve sales of everything from peanut butter to shaving cream, is tailored to the millennial lifestyle.

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“There are only so many hours in a day,” says part-time courier Jared Pitemkin. “If I can make time to have sex, which is a lot easier than making time to blend my CBD smoothie, it’s a win-win.”

Walmart’s CBD-infused dental dams will be available in 250mg, 500mg, and 750mg strengths, in 500- and 1000-milliliter sizes. Additional flavors will include heavenly gash, Cherry Garcia, and pussy.

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