Pug Bus Pop Quiz

The Jessica Simpson Divorce Quiz Redux

an image

LOS ANGELES – Although Jessica Simpson purchased a $3-million house in Beverly Hills following her split with Nick Lachey, the singer-actress-shoe designer seems to prefer the comfort of the storied Chateau Marmont when she has a date. According to several tabloid publications’ paid informants, however, some of the Chateau Marmont’s other guests wish Ms. Simpson would get a room elsewhere.

“A friend of mine was staying at the Chateau Marmont during the weekend of February 3,” a source told the Star. “One night she saw Jessica and Jude Law entering the room next door. My friend recognized them because she had seen them around the hotel over the weekend.”

Around 2 a.m. that night, the source continued, “my friend called hotel management to ask for a different room. The banging on the wall and the cries of ‘Oh you wicked nanny’ made it impossible for her to get any sleep.”

Ms. Simpson isn’t the only one who’s been busy. Her estranged husband, Mr. Lachey, has been bedded down with his lawyers devising schemes to maximize his profit from the coming divorce; and we here at Postcards from the Pug Bus have been working on the following Jessica Simpson Divorce quiz. It’s a take-home, open-book, grade-it-yourself test designed for entertainment purposes only.

1. Before he married Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey was in . . .
a) an automobile accident
b) a boy band
c) jail
d) arrears
e) absentia

2. Nick and Jessica separated on . . .
a) Bastille Day
b) Sadie Hawkins Day
c) December 13, 2005
d) November 23, 2005
e) either “c” or “d” depending on whose lawyer you ask

3. In a recently filed statement, Nick said he wanted his __________ back.
a) Vermont Teddy Bears
b) Michael Bolton CDs
c) pornography collection
d) jewelry
e) Gucci pajamas

4. On December 5, 2005, Jessica Simpson made $850,000 in a private . . .
a) card game
b) concert
c) telephone conversation
d) airplane
e) restroom

5. Jessica and Nick do not have . . .
a) a joint retirement plan
b) a brain between them
c) any discernable talent
d) adopted Third-World children
e) a prenup

6. Nick went to court seeking temporary visitation rights to . . .
a) the couple’s hamsters
b) their Lamborghini
c) Jessica’s breasts
d) his old tree fort
e) Ashlee Simpson

7. Pizza Hut is auctioning off a pair of Jessica’s . . .
a) dress shields
b) boots
c) used boots
d) unused large-print recipe books
e) cutoffs

8. Jessica Simpson is rumored to have had guest-disturbing sex in a hotel with . . .
a) Adam Levine
b) Jude Law
c) “a” and “b”
d) her bodyguard
e) herself

9. Since separating from Nick, Jessica has been treated for . . .
a) diarrhea
b) gonorrhea
c) pizzeria
d) shingles
e) overexposure in the tabloids

10. On the Newlyweds Jessica Simpson thought Chicken of the Sea was . . .
a) really chicken
b) a cowardly tuna
c) the other white meat
d) cheaper at Trader Joe’s
e) cruel to dolphins

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.