Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Tom Cruise Fires His Sister over Antidepressant Use

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HOLLYWOOD – Scientologist Tom Cruise fired his sister and publicist, Lee Anne DeVette, yesterday after he had learned she is taking Lexapro, a popular antidepressant. DeVette’s drug use was discovered by Cruise’ fiance, Katie Holmes, who found a bottle of Lexapro in DeVette’s medicine cabinet last weekend while looking for an emery board.

“We regret having to take this action,” said Cruise’ new publicist, Paul Bloch, “but Lee Anne knew how Tom feels about drug use.”

DeVette, who had previously handled public relations for a neighborhood soccer team, became her brother’s publicity agent in March 2004. Since then she has presided over the near complete ruination of his image. According to a source close to the siblings, DeVette’s troubles began when she recommended Katie Holmes instead of Scarlett Johansson as Cruise’ new love interest. That decision proved unfortunate when Holmes was revealed to have the IQ of an Irish setter.

“Lee Anne became so depressed over the embarrassment she had caused Tom,” said the source, “that she began taking Lexapro on the advice of her physician.”

Lexapro is commonly used to treat depression and general anxiety disorder. It is known on the street as one of the “speedier” of the antidepressants. Among its side effects are diarrhea and impaired judgement, which could explain some of the unusual advice DeVette gave her brother.

“It was totally her idea that Tom act over the moon about Katie and all that other [stuff],” said fellow Scientologist and Bloch client John Travolta. “Lee Anne is responsible for Tom’s jumping the couch on Oprah, for saying that he was Shakespeare in a previous life, that he took his present form because ‘Bingodulla elected him to spread the gospel of Scientology to the glib, uninformed masses,’ that he has known Katie Holmes in several other existences, that he has clashed with Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields in former lives, and that he expects Dakota Fanning to become a Scientologist before much longer.”

Another Cruise associate, who prefers to remain anonymous, called DeVette, “The Bill Carter and Roger Clinton of publicists.”

DeVette did not return several e-mails from the Pug Bus concerning her future plans. Her only other client is Katie Holmes, who is also expected to sever her ties with DeVette.

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