What Would Nietzsche Do? The Motion Light Problem

Herr Nietzsche,
My neighbor’s motion light turns on every time I walk past, as though I am suspicious. What should I do? Harvey in San Francisco

Harvey,
You have stumbled upon a profound humiliation: being judged by a device that also activates for raccoons. The light does not single you out. It singles out everything. You share its attention with squirrels, blowing leaves, and the occasional plastic bag achieving brief transcendence in a gust of wind. If you find this insulting, examine why you expected more from a sensor that retails for $34.99. Walk faster. Walk slower. Walk in an entirely different direction if your ego requires it. The light will illuminate the next thing with equal indifference. This is not surveillance. This is democracy.
Yours, FN

Esteemed Professor:
I have started narrating my life internally like a documentary. Is this healthy?
Sleepless in Seattle

Dear Sleepless,
Whether it is healthy depends entirely on the narrator’s tone. A warm, curious voice suggesting you are a minor but charming figure navigating modest obstacles — this is fine. A grave, orchestral voice implying that your trip to the pharmacy is geopolitically significant — this is the beginning of something worth monitoring. The danger is not narration but genre. A man who pours coffee like it is a nature documentary is eccentric. A man who pours coffee like it is a war documentary should perhaps switch to tea and reconsider several things. What is your narrator’s accent? This will tell us everything.
Sincerely.
Friedrich

Friedrich Nietzsche:
Is it wrong that I rehearse imaginary arguments in the shower?
Love,
Betty from Tuscaloosa

Meine Betty,
It is not wrong. Your shower is the only arena where you are guaranteed victory, perfect acoustics, and no witnesses. In the shower you are undefeated. You have, I suspect, demolished people who wronged you in 2017. You have corrected professors who are now dead. You have silenced smug relatives who will never know how thoroughly they were ass-whipped. This is the shower’s great gift: consequence-free dominance over a jury of phantoms. The problem arises when you begin losing these arguments. If the imaginary opponent has started making points you cannot answer, you are either growing intellectually or losing your mind. I cannot tell you which without more information. Either way, condition your hair. This much you can control.
Affectionately.
Freddy

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