Wolf Blitzer Found Beaten After Presidential Debate

CNN veteran newsman Wolf Blitzer was found bloody, naked, and unconscious in his dressing room last night following the Democratic presidential candidates’ debate at the University of Nevada.

The grizzled, heavly tattooed Mr. Blitzer, who moderated last night’s gathering, was rushed to a nearby hospital, where he remained in guarded condition this morning.

“As of now we have no suspects,” said Las Vegas chief of police, Thomas N. Mack, “but evidence and campaign literature we collected from the crime scene lead us to believe that at least two of the presidential candidates are persons of interest.”

Chief Mack did not reveal the names of those persons, but anyone who saw the debate—in which Mr. Blitzer, 59, repeatedly bullied, interrupted, and condescended to the candidates—should not be surprised that somebody went Russell Crowe on him afterward.

“Wolf had his head so far up his bum he’s got whisker burns on his navel,” laughed Air America’s Rachel Maddow.

Indeed. After Barack Obama had tripped over himself trying to craft an all-things-to-
all-people answer to a question about giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants, Mr. Blitzer put his hands on his hips and said archly, “The question is available for a yes or no answer.”

Throughout the evening Mr. Blitzer used the yes-or-no question as a cudgel, at one point asking Dennis Kucinich, “Yes or no, congressman, is it true your wife has a stud in her tongue?”

Reactions from the candidates to Mr. Blitzer’s attack were swift—and swift boating. Senator Clinton said she could understand the frustration “that apparently drove one of my rivals to play the violence card.”

Senator Dodd, playing the only card he appears to possess apart from his hair, issued a statement in fluent Spanish in which he repeatedly referred to Mr. Blizter as simpatico.

In other news, representatives for Michael Moore and Vice president Dick Cheney, who have tangled with Mr. Blitzer in the past, offered their condolences, along with statements verifying their whereabouts last evening.

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