Your Daily Irregular Horoscope for July 27, 2025
♈ Aries (March 21–April 19) Avoid escalators, honest conversations, and women named “Brayden.” Wear a rain hat with secrets sewn into the brim.
♉ Taurus (April 20–May 20) Do not be seduced by a coupon that offers a 50-percent discount on enlightenment. The fine print says you have to chant in binary.
♊ Gemini (May 21–June 20) Today your aura will ignite a digital rebellion, and Google will change all your passwords. Later, Mercury does the Macarena in your ninth house, which explains your sudden need to monologue in Spanish at CVS.
♋Cancer (June 21–July 22) Don’t mistake that itch in your soul for spiritual growth. It’s the fallout from your ex’s self-published tell-all book.
♌ Leo (July 23–August 22) Today is a good day to scream into a mailbox, wear only synonyms, and communicate exclusively through interpretive sneezing. Bonus karma if you make googly eyes at a Home Depot greeter.
♍ Virgo (August 23–September 22) This is a five-spreadsheet day, minimum. Every bit of clothing you put on will have a hidden agenda. Also, beware unsolicited advice from children. They are time travelers, and they know too much.
♎ Libra (September 23–October 22) The stars suggest starting a debate club in your dreams. Don’t let Capricorn moderate. It will try to peddle a pyramid scheme again.
♏ Scorpio (October 23–November 21) Good news: someone is about to ask you a question that makes your third eye blink in Morse code. Bad news: it’s your boss, and you’re naked in this dream on purpose.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22–December 21) Your shadow is planning an intervention. It’s tired of being blamed for your parking violations. The moon is in your kitchen, raiding your leftovers and whispering secrets to the Dijon mustard.
♑ Capricorn (December 22–January 19) You are driven, ambitious, and completely oblivious to the fact that your calendar is sentient and resents being scribbled on. Today’s challenge: climb the corporate ladder, but it’s on fire and made of feelings. Bring marshmallows and a spreadsheet.
♒ Aquarius (January 20–February 18) You will wake up radicalized by a scented candle: “Civic Disobedience and Fresh Linen.” You’ll meet someone who knows your middle name and your browser history. Run.
♓ Pisces (February 19–March 20) If your chakras begin rotating in opposite directions, consult a naked palm reader and avoid eye contact with goats. Saturn wants you to hydrate—but only with moon water and sarcasm.
