Your Irregular Horoscopes for July 6, 2025
(Once again we consult the cosmic crockpot and ladle out a steaming bowl of celestial nonsense.)
♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You wake up today with the unshakable feeling that your houseplants are judging you—and they are. Venus in retro-snark means your emotional support fern is tired of your oversharing. Try whispering apologies into a pothos and see if your luck improves. Avoid eye contact with squirrels.
♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22) Mars is in your ego sector, which means you’ll spend the day explaining to people that you “totally could’ve gone viral if you’d posted that tweet.” You’ll also develop a sudden, unearned confidence in your ability to start a kombucha empire. The stars say: maybe don’t.
♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Mercury is doing the cha-cha in your house of spreadsheets, so naturally you’ll spend the morning alphabetizing your regrets. A surprise email from someone you ghosted in 2014 will arrive just as you’re trying to Marie Kondo your inbox. It does not spark joy.
♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will spend 45 minutes today deciding between two identical shades of beige. Blame Saturn. Your indecision will peak when asked to choose between “vintage ironic” and “post-ironic vintage” for your new aesthetic. Spoiler: you’ll end up with “mildly confused.”
♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Pluto is whispering secrets into your ear, and they all sound like conspiracy theories about your coworkers. You’ll be tempted to fake your own death just to avoid a group text. Resist. Instead, channel your intensity into something productive—like brooding in a candlelit room.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will impulsively book a trip to a place you can’t pronounce because Jupiter told you to “follow your bliss.” Bliss, however, is currently stuck in customs. Pack light and bring snacks. Also, maybe check if your passport is still valid this time.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) You will attempt to monetize your hobbies today, including your uncanny ability to identify fonts in the wild. Unfortunately, no one wants to pay you to shout “That’s Futura Bold!” at passing billboards. Saturn suggests a nap.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) You’ll invent a new philosophy this afternoon called “Quantum Minimalism,” which involves owning nothing and being everywhere. Your friends will pretend to understand. Uranus encourages you to start a podcast about it. Please don’t.
♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your dreams last night were sponsored by Neptune and a questionable amount of cheese. Today, you’ll mistake a metaphor for a life decision. Try not to quit your job to become a lighthouse keeper just yet. Unless the lighthouse has Wi-Fi.
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’ll wake up ready to fight God and/or the barista who spelled your name “Aris.” Mars is fueling your rage, but also your productivity. Channel it into something useful, like reorganizing your spice rack by emotional trauma.
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You’ll spend the day sensually caressing throw pillows and wondering if you should wash your hair. Venus says yes. Your aura smells like artisanal bread and passive-aggressive luxury. Don’t embrace it.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’ll start five new projects today and finish none. Mercury is in your “ooh, shiny!” zone. You’ll also accidentally gaslight yourself into thinking you already replied to that email. You didn’t. But you will write a sonnet about it.
