April 2007 – postcards from the pug bus

Al Gore Says Breast Feeding Deters Global Warming

Biff Scuzzy 457 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Former vice president Al Gore believes breast feeding can play a significant role in deterring the rise of global warming. Speaking yesterday afternoon at the Earth Institute’s annual solar picnic in New York’s Central Park, Mr. Gore declared, “If one out of two mothers in developed countries were to breast feed their Read More

Celebrities Sporting Life

Lindsay Lohan Falls in NFL Draft

Chip Hilton 437 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Lindsay Lohan, once considered the potential number one pick in this year’s NFL draft, lingered on the board yesterday like a dingleberry on a donkey’s butt until she was finally selected by the Cleveland Browns with the twenty-second pick in the first round. Questions about Ms. Lohan’s work ethic, intelligence, and her Read More

Celebrities

Hugh Grant Arrested for Spilling the Beans at Photographer

philmaggitti 420 Views 3 min read

LONDON – Hugh Grant was arrested and questioned by police yesterday after he had allegedly littered the road near his West London house with the contents of a tub of baked beans he had hurled at a photographer. The vicious attack, one of the worst cases of littering in recent Chelsea history, is said to Read More

Weed

Willie Nelson Avoids Jail After Policeman Can’t Remember Bust

philmaggitti 469 Views 3 min read

ST. MARTINVILLE, La. – Willie Nelson avoided jail when the policeman who had cited him for possession of marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms last September 18 told a judge yesterday that he “had no recollection” of the incident. “Yer honor, I cain’t say as I ever seen this man before,” said the policeman, who was placed Read More

News

Rosie O’Donnell Replaced by Don Imus on The View

Chip Hilton 437 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Rosie O’Donnell is giving her seat on The View to Don Imus as of June 1, a source close to the show said this morning. The move, which promises to be the most talked about development in television since the Katie Couric Photoshopped-image scandal, caught critics with their laptops down. “Nobody saw that one Read More

Music

Sheryl Crow’s Cat Demands More Litter Paper

philmaggitti 414 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Sheryl Crow’s cat, Biodiesel, has gone missing, apparently in protest over the singer’s stingy attitude regarding the paper in his litter pan. Sources close to Biodiesel told Cat Fancy magazine that the five-year-old neutered male had become despondent after Ms. Crow had replaced his normal litter with a few scraps of cut-up old newspaper Read More

News

Virginia Tech Shooter Sued by RIAA for Illegal Downloads

philmaggitti 436 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – The estate of Cho Seung-Hui, the former Virginia Tech student who killed thirty-two people last week, has been sued by the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America ) for illegally downloading more than ten thousand songs. The $100-million suit, $10,000 per song times ten thousand songs, is believed to be the largest Read More

Technology

Microsoft Offers Windows Vista Free to Good Homes

philmaggitti 425 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft announced yesterday that it will offer surplus upgrade copies of its newest operating system, Windows Vista, “free to good homes.” An official at Microsoft said the company had decided to take this unprecedented step because there are too many copies of Vista upgrades getting underfoot and running up boarding fees in Read More

News

Virginia Tech Shootings Prompt NRA to Arm College Students

philmaggitti 431 Views 3 min read

FAIRFAX, Vir. – The shootings at Virginia Tech University this week have inspired the NRA (National Rifle Association) to draft a plan to prevent similar mass murders on college campuses. The NRA proposal, called No Student Left Unarmed, would require every college student in the United States to carry the firearm of his or her Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Denies That She’s Broke

Chip Hilton 466 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears is broke. Months of non-stop drinking and shopping, coupled with binge eating, purging, and serious brown Persian heroin and cocaine abuse have depleted her resources; and now the former pop star, 25, has finally gone belly up, insiders say. “Britney just don’t work no more,” said Ms. Spears’ cousin Allie. “I Read More

Politics

Governor Jon Corzine Crash Site Memorial Grows

Biff Scuzzy 453 Views 3 min read

GALLOWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. – When New Jersey governor Jon Corzine was bouncing around inside his official SUV about six o’clock last Thursday night, like a rag doll in a Kenmore dryer, he couldn’t know that the site of his accident, Mile Marker 43.5 on the Garden State Parkway, would become the latest shrine erected by Read More

Culture

Don Imus to Star with Tom Cruise in Talkback Mountain

Chip Hilton 420 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Former on-air personality Don Imus has been tipped to star with Tom Cruise in Talkback Mountain, the story of a radio talk show host of the same name who is run out of a small Western town after he mocks the sheriff’s handicapped daughter during a live remote from the town’s annual chili Read More

News

Paul Wolfowitz Credit Card Recalled by World Bank

Biff Scuzzy 421 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A source at the World Bank has confirmed that the controversial Paul Wolfowitz credit card will be recalled. The announcement came after the World Bank’s twenty-four-member executive board met in a catered, sleep-over session last night on a yacht in the Potomac River. “Mr. Wolfowitz’ use of the credit card to obtain Read More

Politics

Don Imus Pardoned by President Bush

philmaggitti 435 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former MSNBC personality Don Imus was pardoned by President Bush yesterday in a surprising exercise of executive privilege. The timing of the pardon was unusual. Outgoing presidents generally issue pardons on their last day in office right before catching the helicopter out of Washington. Some observers are speculating, therefore, that by acting Read More

News

Don Imus Fundraiser Spotlights Presidential Pardon

Chip Hilton 431 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Less than twenty-four hours after MSNBC had fired radio personality Don Imus for calling the Rutgers women’s basketball team “nappy-headed hos,” President Bush granted Mr. Imus an executive pardon. The text of President Bush’s pardon was read on the air by Mr. Imus at the conclusion of his fundraiser this morning. “I Read More

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