Al Gore Says Breast Feeding Deters Global Warming

NEW YORK – Former vice president Al Gore believes breast feeding can play a significant role in deterring the rise of global warming.

Speaking yesterday afternoon at the Earth Institute’s annual solar picnic in New York’s Central Park, Mr. Gore declared, “If one out of two mothers in developed countries were to breast feed their children, the mean temperature of the Earth could be lowered one degree by the year 2090.”

As he stood beneath a banner that read, “Use your globes to save ours,” the former vice president explained how the production, transportation, and preparation of one quart of cow’s milk added to the increase in global warming, but the production of one quart of breast milk did not.

Mr. Gore was then joined on stage by his wife, Tipper, spokeswoman for the Earth Institute “Tits for Tots” campaign. Mrs. Gore removed her blouse and demonstrated proper breast feeding techniques on an infant mannequin.

After she had finished her demonstration and had acknowledged the cheers of the crowd, Mr. Gore shouted, “What Tipper just did would get her stared at and mocked in many public places in the United States, even though she’s got a fine rack for a woman her age. I mean, any age. Are those some good-looking puppies or what?”

Mr. Gore then kissed his wife passionately before she quit the stage.

The former vice president concluded his remarks by urging lawmakers at the state and national levels to pass legislation making it illegal for anyone to stare at or to make lewd remarks about women breast feeding in public places such as buses, restaurants, and amusement parks.

“If you grew ’em, your kids can chew ’em,” said Mr. Gore. “Hey, that would make a great campaign slogan, wouldn’t it?”

In other news, Alec Baldwin has hired two extra body guards to protect him against possible reprisals from his daughter, Ireland, who is said to be livid because Mr. Baldwin called her a “rude little pig.”