December 2007 – postcards from the pug bus

Jamie Lynn Spears Home Pregnancy Test on eBay

Chip Hilton 487 Views 2 min read

BUMFUCH, La. – The Jamie Lynn Spears’ home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it’s had a chance to spread its wings. Listed on eBay’s wildly popular White Trash Souvenirs and Geegaws section, the test was found—according to its seller, Buster McCullouch (positive rating Read More

Celebrities

Jamie Lynn Spears Gets Pregnant as Surrogate for Britney

Chip Hilton 476 Views 2 min read

BUMFUCH, La. – Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is knocked up higher than her no-account big sister on a three-day, Little Debbies-and-Red Bull binge; yet no one in the Spears family acts as if there’s anything unusual about this event—or about the fact that the putative father of this unfortunate git is nineteen years old. “I’ll Read More

Ass Hats

Michael Vick Homies Win Ass Hat of the Moment Award

philmaggitti 464 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – While Michael Vick sits in jail trying to master the intricacies of checkers and the ins and outs of prison dating etiquette, he will surely take comfort in knowing that five of his most loyal homies have won the Ass Hat of the Moment award. Atlanta Falcons cornerbacks DeAngelo “Bad Newz” Hall Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Hires Illegal Alien Frappuccino Caddy

Chip Hilton 439 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears has hired a full-time Frappuccino caddy in an effort to convince California child welfare authorities that she is serious about regaining custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1. Unfortunately, the star of Chaotic may have hired an illegal alien. According to documents obtained by THEM Weekly, the Frap caddy hired Read More

News

Porsche Denies Plans to Release Nikki Catsouras Model

Biff Scuzzy 462 Views 2 min read

ATLANTA – A spokesman for Porsche Cars North America denies that his company has “any plans whatsoever” to introduce a limited edition Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera model. “This [rumor] is vile and detestable,” said Dieter von Richthofen, director of public information for Porsche (porsh-uh). “I don’t know how this kind of thing gets started—I suppose Read More

Politics

Hillary Clinton Launches Cosmetics Line in Effort to Save Campaign

philmaggitti 433 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hillary Clinton has elected to move up the debut of her cosmetics line in hopes of gaining separation from presidential rivals Barack Obama and John Edwards in time for the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries. Called Clintonique, the senator’s line of beauty care and grooming products was scheduled for a Summer 2008 Read More

Music

RIAA Wants Record Labels to Limit Home CD Use

philmaggitti 518 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has fingered consumers who play CDs repeatedly as “the single greatest secret threat” to recording industry profits. The industry watchdog group is suggesting, therefore, that record labels take steps to limit the number of times a CD can be played in the home. RIAA President Read More

Technology

Angelina Jolie Computer Virus Poised to Strike

philmaggitti 452 Views 3 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – The Angelina Jolie virus, a new and potentially smothering computer virus, is set to strike computers around the world on Friday. Popularly known as the Black Mother Widow (BMW) virus, this dangerous scourge is thought to be the work of an Amsterdam-based group of hackers that calls itself Één meer Toke. Microsoft Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Joins Drunks Against Mad Mothers Group

Chip Hilton 423 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – After attending several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), Britney Spears has decided to join the group, a former assistant revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Spears has met with the group three or four times “in a couple of clubs near Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Pregnant Again, May Lose Custody of Vagina

Chip Hilton 480 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears is pregnant again, and the troubled singer is terrified she might lose custody of her vagina as a result. A source close to Ms. Spears, who turns twenty-six today, told THEM Weekly, “Britney’s freaking out because this pregnancy is the last thing her vagina needs.” After subjecting her vagina to successive Read More