Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Celebrity Shockers

Jamie Lynn Spears Home Pregnancy Test on eBay

18 years Chip Hilton Britney Spears

an image

BUMFUCH, La. – The Jamie Lynn Spears’ home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it’s had a chance to spread its wings.

Listed on eBay’s wildly popular White Trash Souvenirs and Geegaws section, the test was found—according to its seller, Buster McCullouch (positive rating not currently available)—on the nightstand in a room Ms. Spears had rented at Buster’s by the Hour motel in suburban Bumfuch.

“We was gonna call Jamie Lynn and tell her we had it here,” said Mr. McCullough, the eponymous founder of Buster’s by the Hour, “but we clean forgot until we read she had went and got herself pregnant.”

The pregnancy test, on which Ms. Spears received a disappointing 6.7 for execution and a mere 7.5 for degree of difficulty, could well be a fraud, however, says Louisiana’s surgeon general, Louie Louie Nagan.

Speaking by phone last night on Larry King Live, Mr. Nagan said that dipsticks floating in half empty wine coolers, as Ms. Spears’ was, are “way difficult” to authenticate, compared, say, to dipsticks floating in nonalcoholic beverages.

“Thank god it wasn’t found in a half-eaten bowl of gumbo,” laughed Mr. Nagan. “Those puppies are nearly impossible to authenticate after Emeril Lagasse’s hot sauce has had its way with them.”

Meanwhile, a representative for the Spears family charged Mr. McCullough with fraud.

“This is the same Buster McCullough that got caught selling bogus pieces of toast with images of the runaway bride on them. I talked to Britney yesterday, and she’s got half a mind to come down here and beat that sucker senseless with an umbrella.”

Today’s glossary: eponymous, adjective, giving one’s name to a tribe, place, etc.

If the public pratfalls of Hollywood’s overpaid, virtue-signaling drama llamas make your day as they make ours, check out these Celebrity Shockers — where meltdowns, mugshots, and micro-bikinis collide.

The preceding is satire. Straight up, Skippy. No warranties are expressed or implied. For life advice, try a professional. For investment tips, try a dart board. For salvation, the gentleman in the robe has been handling that portfolio for 2,000 years.

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.