Wednesday, June 12, 2024

Jamie Lynn Spears Home Pregnancy Test on eBay

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BUMFUCH, La. – The Jamie Lynn Spears’ home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it’s had a chance to spread its wings.

Listed on eBay’s wildly popular White Trash Souvenirs and Geegaws section, the test was found—according to its seller, Buster McCullouch (positive rating not currently available)—on the nightstand in a room Ms. Spears had rented at Buster’s by the Hour motel in suburban Bumfuch.

“We was gonna call Jamie Lynn and tell her we had it here,” said Mr. McCullough, the eponymous founder of Buster’s by the Hour, “but we clean forgot until we read she had went and got herself pregnant.”

The pregnancy test, on which Ms. Spears received a disappointing 6.7 for execution and a mere 7.5 for degree of difficulty, could well be a fraud, however, says Louisiana’s surgeon general, Louie Louie Nagan.

Speaking by phone last night on Larry King Live, Mr. Nagan said that dipsticks floating in half empty wine coolers, as Ms. Spears’ was, are “way difficult” to authenticate, compared, say, to dipsticks floating in nonalcoholic beverages.

“Thank god it wasn’t found in a half-eaten bowl of gumbo,” laughed Mr. Nagan. “Those puppies are nearly impossible to authenticate after Emeril Lagasse’s hot sauce has had its way with them.”

Meanwhile, a representative for the Spears family charged Mr. McCullough with fraud.

“This is the same Buster McCullough that got caught selling bogus pieces of toast with images of the runaway bride on them. I talked to Britney yesterday, and she’s got half a mind to come down here and beat that sucker senseless with an umbrella.”

Today’s glossary: eponymous, adjective, giving one’s name to a tribe, place, etc.    

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