February 2009 – postcards from the pug bus

President Obama Plans Portuguese Water Dog Bailout

Biff Scuzzy 440 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Having asked Congress for three trillion dollars to bail out banks, mortgage scofflaws, the educational system, health care, and the Recording Industry Association of America, President Barack Obama is poised to announce as early as next week his plan to bail out a Portuguese water dog from an animal shelter. “We have Read More

Music

Bono Accused of Leaking New U2 Album

philmaggitti 470 Views 4 min read

DUBLIN – U2 frontman, Bono, has been accused by his band mates of leaking the group’s new album, No Line on the Horizon, well in advance of its March 3 release date. The charges were leveled as the new album became widely available on BitTorrent and file sharing websites early this week. “The needy little Read More

Technology

Microsoft Blames Hackers for Severance Pay Blunder

philmaggitti 446 Views 2 min read

REDMOND, Wash. – A spokesperson for Microsoft blamed hackers for the company’s severance pay blunders, which resulted in some laid-off workers receiving too much severance pay while others received too little. “A weakness in our payroll program—or else in our calculator—was exploited by hackers at some point during the holiday season,” the spokesperson reported. “We Read More

Celebrities

Will Smith to Play Barack Obama in Fresh Prince of D.C.

philmaggitti 492 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Will Smith Productions has announced that founder and HMFIC, Will Smith, will play President Barack Obama in a television series entitled The Fresh Prince of D.C., which is scheduled to debut on CoLoursTV this fall. “The Fresh Prince of D.C. will present a warm, comedic look at the adventures of the first black family Read More

Politics

President Obama Vows to Take On Gravity Shortfall

philmaggitti 441 Views 4 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama warned yesterday that the United States faces “a critical shortfall of gravity” brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past. “The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world’s population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity,” the president explained. “The air travel involved Read More

Celebrities

Chris Brown Bobblehead Doll Attacks Paris Hilton Doll

Chip Hilton 515 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Police announced yesterday that they were seeking a Chris Brown bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with an alleged attack on a Paris Hilton bobblehead doll that occurred in a closet in the Acme Doll Company. “It’s too early to say if the Chris Brown doll is a suspect in this case,” Read More

Blog

Chapter 1: Divine Intervention Strikes Twice

philmaggitti 592 Views 9 min read

On a warm Sunday afternoon in April 1990, I was sitting on a hillside in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, watching a timber race, when god spoke to me. Because more people claim to be familiar with the voice of god than with timber races, I should explain that the latter are jumping races in which a Read More