October 2015 – postcards from the pug bus

Colleges Offer Halloween Costume Counseling: You Can’t Photoshop This

Biff Scuzzy 449 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.–Not content with declaring war on date rape, Columbus Day, free speech, men who urinate standing up, and other impediments to the establishment of the nanny state/matriarchal society, colleges have taken dead aim on Halloween, a day fraught with the perils of political incorrectness. The State University of New York at Geneseo and Read More

Ass Hats

Lena Van Haren of Everett Middle School Is Ass Hat of the Moment

philmaggitti 454 Views 4 min read

SAN FRANCISCO—Just when you think progressives couldn’t possibly do anything more batshit than some of the batshit things they’ve done already, along comes some batshit progressive with her head up her ass crashing headlong into the walls of common sense, decency, right thinking, and civic responsibility. That headless horseperson would be Lena Van Haren, principal Read More

Technology

Windows 10 Officially Labeled Malware by NCSA

philmaggitti 483 Views 4 min read

CARLISLE, Pa.—The National Computer Security Association (NCSA) has announced that Windows 10, the aggressively marketed new operating system from Microsoft, now qualifies as malware. The NCSA, headquartered in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, made the announcement after receiving “countless troubling reports” of Microsoft’s having “gone rogue” in promoting and distributing Windows 10. “Microsoft’s disregard for the integrity of Read More

Music

Blackwater, RIAA Join Forces to Combat Music Piracy

philmaggitti 473 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Blackwater USA, the rogue security company accused of sport killing innocent civilians in Iraq, has agreed to provide “tactical enforcement capabilities” for the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America). “We are proud to be working with the RIAA,” said Blackwater founder, Erik Prince, on 60 Minutes Sunday night. “Every time a scumbag college kid Read More

Saints Alive

Yesterday’s Saint, Pope Callistus I, The Tell-All Biography

philmaggitti 492 Views 4 min read

Suppose that Mitt Romney, after losing the 2012 Presidential Election to Barack Obama, somehow manipulated his way into writing not only the official biography of Mr. Obama but also the only one available. We should not be surprised if it contained facts such as “Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim; he was born in Kenya Read More

Culture

Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken

philmaggitti 430 Views 3 min read

WEST GOSHEN, Pa.—The West Goshen Vegan Alliance (WGVA), a militant culinary rights group, is holding a special Fat Chance Supper on Saturday October 17 to commemorate the passing of Chef Paul Prudhomme, who is alleged to have created the turducken, “a hideous monstrosity” comprising a deboned chicken shoved inside a deboned duck, which is, in Read More

News Politics

#blacklivesmatter Campaign Launched at Dunkin’ Donuts

Biff Scuzzy 449 Views 3 min read

PROVIDENCE, R.I.—Dunkin’ Donuts’ new #blacklivesmatter campaign hit a speed bump after it had been rolled out in Providence, Rhode Island, last Friday. Matter of fact, the campaign hit a police cruiser when a Dunkin’ Donuts employee wrote “#blacklivesmatter” on the side of a patrolman’s coffee cup. “I paid for that fucking coffee,” said the officer, Read More

Religion

What Did Pope Francis Know and When Did He Know I

philmaggitti 452 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since finding out last week that Pope Francis, “the cool pope,” had met secretly with Kim Davis in Washington, D.C., on September 24, a meeting that was kept on the down low for six days, everybody from Catholic church officials to their gay brothers-in-law have been scrambling to explain why that meeting didn’t amount Read More

Blog

Stay the Fuck Home, Mick Jagger: The Pug Bus Blog #2

philmaggitti 516 Views 4 min read

Dear Mick,I see where you dragged your withered buttocks on stage the other day to croak your way through “Satisfaction” with that towering mediocrity Taylor Swift. Well, she towered over you that’s for sure, in more ways than one. What in the name of all that’s wrinkled, wizened, and way past its prime—namely you, you Read More

Religion

When Francis Met Kim

philmaggitti 535 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—His Supreme Excellency Pope Francis—in addition to meeting with the Harlem Globe Trotters, Vice-President “Meadowlark” Biden (who presented him with a photo of Mr. Biden’s late son, Beau), illegal immigrants, disabled illegal immigrants, and the AARP’s Seniors’ Transgender Alliance—also conspired to meet secretly with Kim Davis at the Vatican’s underground bunker in Washington, D.C. Read More