December 2020 – postcards from the pug bus

President Trump Grants Emergency Sick Days to COVID-19 Victims

Biff Scuzzy 590 Views 1 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of COVID-19 victims in the battered Dakotas region. Hurrying into the White House, wearing a defiant yellow slicker on his return from a golf outing yesterday afternoon, the president announced he would authorize that “up to ten additional days of Read More

Technology

Killer Kwanzaa App Suspected of Causing Computer Crashes

philmaggitti 534 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, PA—The Killer Kwanzaa app, offered free through the Black Lives Matter (BLM) website, is suspected of forcing its way onto the tablets, mobile phones, and computers of selected persons who visit the BLM site—whether they want the app or not. This scorched-app strategy is similar Microsoft’s hyper-aggressive rollout of Windows 10 last year Read More

Ass Hats

Whoopi Goldberg Is an Ass Hat for Sure

philmaggitti 499 Views 2 min read

WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—A gay, British, former friend of mine who was active in the animal rights movement … and, some whispered, active in the animal rights “underground” too … hated Whoopi Goldberg. Absolutely hated, despised, shat-upon-spat-upon hatred. Hated her so much that he stooped to hurling an ethnic slur at Whoopi. Yep. He called Read More

Saints Alive

St. Theneva, Patron Saint of Breast Reductions

philmaggitti 690 Views 2 min read

WEST CHESTER, Pa. – Saint Theneva of Glasgow was a British princess who enjoyed the horizontal sports from an early age. Her fondness for frolic was something of an embarrassment to her father, Lord Seefeth, who was planning to invade England and sought the favor of god in that enterprise. Discovering that Theneva had conceived Read More

The Grammar Prick

The Grammar Prick’s Lockdown Lessons

philmaggitti 498 Views 2 min read

I hope you boys and girls have been wearing your masks and practicing social distancing. Remember, good masks make good neighbors,and anyone who gets within six feet of you is trying to sell you something. While you’re staying quietly in your rooms, here’s a quiz to keep you amused. C’mon, you can’t look at porn Read More

Politics

Biden Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions

philmaggitti 446 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Joseph R. Biden announced yesterday that “on Day One” he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following Read More