Sunday, December 10, 2023

Biden Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions

Road Sign

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Joseph R. Biden announced yesterday that “on Day One” he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the president-elect did say that such incidents could undermine America’s economic recovery.

“We’re working hard to get this country back on the right track,” said Mr. Biden, “but we can’t do that if people lose faith in their digital, uh, their, er, those GPS things.”

According to the president, a recent MSNBC-ESPN poll demonstrated that loss of faith.

“More than half the people in this country believe we are headed in the wrong direction,” said the president-elect, “and we need to know why.”

The most recent case of a “curious” GPS malfunction involved a Nevada couple who were stranded on Christmas Day after their SUV’s navigation system sent them down a remote dirt road in the Winema-Fremont National Forest outside the small town of Silver Lake.

“We were just looking for the nearest McDonald’s,” said John Rhoads.

Mr. Rhoads, 65, and his wife, Kerrie Bush-Rhoads, 67, were stranded for three days with nothing but the Kenny G. Christmas album for amusement. Finally a rescue team responded to their weak cell-phone signal and pulled the couple’s four-wheel-drive Toyota Sequoia out of the snow with a winch.

“The GPS kept sending us down these tiny dirt roads,” said Kerrie Bush-Rhoads, “but when we asked for an alternate route, it told us to ‘shut up and drive’ in this Middle Eastern accent. It was almost like it had a mind of its own.”

President-elect Biden, sensitive to questions about his age and fragility, told reporters, “I used to drive weekends at local NASCAR events while I attended that HBCU in, uh, Delaware.”

Mr. Biden then told reporters that he had planned to drive from the White House to Camp David this weekend with nothing but a GPS for guidance, but his right foot will be in a walking boot for six weeks as a result of an injury Mr. Biden suffered while playing with his dog.    

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