WASHINGTON, D.C.–An unnamed official with the National Security Agency (NSA) said that the organization’s recent vague terror warning—”We are positive that somebody, somewhere is planning something against the United Stares at some point in the future”—is an “unavoidable function” of the NSA’s “current systemic inability” to decode spoken Pig Latin.
“We have the capability of intercepting any spoken correspondence, digital or analog, from anywhere in the world,” boasted the official. “If a terrorist in Yemen calls in an order for a dozen falafel, we can have a SEAL team waiting at the store by the time he gets there.
“Unfortunately, the high-level programmers who wrote the code for our data-harvesting-and-translating algorithms thought spoken Pig Latin was a dead language. Therefore it was not factored into any of our language-translation routines, subroutines, or sub-subroutines. That created a systemic inability to decipher the dates and locations of any planned attacks on United States interests that were spoken in Pig Latin.”
Senator Rand Paul (R-KY), a frequent and vocal critic of the NSA’s “aggressive data mining techniques,” scoffed at this explanation.
“Understanding Pig Latin is child’s play,” said the senator. “Maybe the NSA ought to invest in the Rosetta Stone boxed set for Pig Latin.”
In reply the NSA official pointed out that there is more than one version of Pig Latin.
“The version currently being used by al-Qaeda is unknown,” he said, “but I can assure you that it will become classified information the minute we figure out what it is.”
According to a language arts teacher at Trayvon Martin Middle School in West Hartford, Connecticut, “In addition to the standard Pig Latin technique of moving the first letter(s) of a word to the end of that word and then adding ay, there are variants of this approach that add iy, oy, or even uy to the end of a word—as well as more complicated variants that use at least four different word endings in the same sentence.”
“To the best of our knowledge,” concluded the NSA official, “there is no simplistic Rosetta Stone solution to decoding sophisticated spoken Pig Latin, despite what Mr. Paul might think; and even if there were one, I would not be at liberty to affirm or deny whether we were using it.”
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