Tuesday, February 20, 2024
Blog

Why I Love the Coronavirus

Corobavirus stiff

COVID-19 is the gift pandemic that keeps on giving: a gleaming, unforgiving mirror that reflects the foibles, failures, and foolhardiness of the American people in 4K mind-blowing splendor. No one is exempt, Skippy, not republicans, democrats, libertarians, vegans, transvestites, independents, eggheads, skinheads, straights, non-straights (I got your binary, here), cisgenders, misgenders, those who think the Redskins’ name was OK and those who don’t. Have I missed anybody? COVID-19 won’t. You’ve got to respect an opponent like that. We might have the makings of a dynasty on our hands.

Sadly we are not equal to stopping this dynasty, which has the reload capability of a porn star. It’s gonna screw us, and before we’ve had a chance to pull up our knickers , it’s gonna screw us again because we humanoids are a bed-wetting, self-pleasuring, witless horde of mutants with skid marks on our psyches. Always have been.

More than 350 years ago the French philosopher and mathematician Blaise Pascal observed, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

Apparently we sorry lot of unenlightened wankers aren’t too good at it either. If the unexamined life isn’t worth living, the thought of an examined life appears to drive most humanoids out of their skulls. You would think they never heard of mindfulness meditation.

Thus, to celebrate Memorial Day many humanoids, in a rash of no-we-won’t-eat-our-vegetables defiance, were virtually bumping uglies from Port Arkansas and Galveston in Texas, to Lake of The Assholes, Missouri, to Daytona Beach, Florida, and other places too depressing to mention. The mutant hordes everywhere were damn near Churchillian in their zeal.

We shall defend our right to stupidity, whatever the cost may be, we shall swarm on the beaches, we shall ignore social distancing in public, we shall go without masks in the stores and in the streets, we shall fight in the shopping malls; we shall never surrender.

Still congratulating themselves for seizing control of their lives, many Americans tripled down on their defiance come Fourth of July. By that time wearing a mask in public was thought by some to be a sure sign that a person squats to pee; and we were reminded of a line from an old Stones tune “Salt of the Earth.”

“Let’s think of the wavering millions/Who need leaders, but get gamblers instead.”

Gamblers, indeed. Gamblers like Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt, who attended a semi-large public gathering in Tulsa a few weeks ago, didn’t catch COVID-19 there, yet kept refusing to wear a mask in public until, presto change-o, he finally caught himself a dose of the Corona, which he may have passed on to other people. Gamblers like the Florida-based supermarket chain, Winn-Dixie, which announced that it will not require customers to wear masks . . . at a time when Whole Foods, H-E-B, Costco, Walgreens, Walmart, Sam’s Club, Kroger, Kohl’s, and just about any other corporation whose CEO has a normal IQ is requiring masks.

At a teachers’ conference I once attended, we were asked to define discipline. “Discipline is fear,” I wrote on a black board. Most of my fellow educators were aghast. One might even say they were triggered. No, they exclaimed, discipline is inspiring a student to want to do what is right … blah, blah, blah.”

That approach doesn’t work in the classroom, and it doesn’t work among the population at large. Until people become fearful enough to remain quietly in their rooms, Ol’ COVID-19 will continue to run the table.

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.

Verified by MonsterInsights