Monday, May 20, 2024

First Steve Jobs Miracles Reported, Brown Declares Steve Jobs Day

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CUPERTINO, Calif. – As initial reports of the first miracles credited to the divine intervention of Steve Jobs began flickering across the digital divide, California Governor Jerry Brown declared Sunday October 16 “Steve Jobs Day” in Mr. Jobs’s home state of California. Mr. Brown tweeted the announcement last night, using the Twitter app on his Steve Jobs Signature Model iPad2.

Mr. Jobs’s battery gave out on October 5, when he died at age 56 after a losing batle with pancreatic cancer. Coincidentally, one of the first miracles attributed to Mr. Jobs involved the battery in an iPad.

“The battery in my iPad died about four months ago,” said Maury Jacobs, an accountant in San Jose. “Apple made it impossible to simply put a new battery in—you have to send the whole damn thing back to them, and they’ll swap your old machine for a new one for a mere $99. Frankly, I was going to switch from my iPad to one of the more convenient Android tablets, but the day after Steve died, the iPad booted itself up and it’s been running fine ever since.”

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Similar stories are as common on the internet as Nigerian bank scams. A woman in Bakersfield whose arthritis prevented her from using the keyboard on a PC, discovered the day after Mr. Jobs had died, that she was able to use the virtual keyboard on her son’s iPad.

“Bless you, Mr. Jobs,” she typed at an astonishing sixty-five words per minute. “You are indeed a saint.”

As might be expected, not all reported Steve Jobs miracles are genuine. There are bogus reports circulating that following Mr. Jobs’s death, Flash videos were suddenly being played on iPads, where previously they had been banned.

“That’s horsefeathers,” said a source at Apple. “Steve so hated Adobe that he would never countenance the use of Flash on any of his products ever. I personally often heard him say, ‘I’ll crush those mother-fuckers if it’s the last thing I do.'”

Apple has invited some of Silicon Valley’s biggest names to a private memorial service for Mr. Jobs on Sunday. The event will be held on Stanford University’s campus in Palo Alto. Apple is requesting that the public “keep a respectful distance” from the invitation-only service.

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According to a company press release issued this morning: “We ask that people not bring lame and halt iPods, iPads, and iPhones to the ceremony in hope of scoring a miracle cure. Steve was all about miracles, to be sure, but people would be better served if they took their nonfunctioning units to a candlelight vigil at their local Apple store.”

In related news: Apple also announced plans to host a memorial event for its employees to celebrate Mr. Jobs’s life at its headquarters in Cupertino, California, on October 19. Apple is asking that at noon PDST, people around the world turn on their mobile Apple devices and point them skyward in an event being called Occupy the Universe.

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