Monday, May 20, 2024
Sporting Life

NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper’s Club

New YORK – Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it “more difficult for us to keep food on the table,” the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband.

The move will give the players an opportunity to pursue a multibillion-dollar antitrust lawsuit against the league. The move could also result in the cancellation of the 2011-12 NBA season.

“More important,” said Metta World Peace (the player formerly known as Ron Artest), “this will leverage our buying power like a mother-fucker. There’s nearly 450 ballers in the NBA, that’s some heavy duty buying power. There’s no way them owners are gonna keep us from farting through silk.”

NBA players are known for their lavish spending. According to Nielsen Market Research, the average NBA player spends from 8.1 to 17.9 times more than his non-basketball counterparts in every spending category with the exception of child support.

“Cars, clothes, home theater systems, tattoos, tennis bracelets, travel, Dom Perignon—NBA players spend like there’s no tomorrow,” said Tower P. Nielsen, vice-president of spending trends at Nielsen Market Research.

“There didn’t used to be a no tomorrow but now there is,” said Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley, who admitted that he hadn’t been following the negotiations between players and owners because “I thought the lockout meant I wasn’t allowed to read the sports page until the owners said so.”

One player likened decertification to “pulling up and shooting a three ball on a fast break instead of trying to beat your man to the hoop.”

In related news: NBA players union president Derek Fischer told reporters yesterday that he expects to be named head of the shopping co-op, which will be called the NBA Playas’ Klubb. 
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