Hookers Rally in Philadelphia to Protest NBA Lockout

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PHILADELPHIA – When two pick-up teams featuring NBA stars LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, and others lace up their $1,200 sneakers at Philadelphia’s Palestra tonight, they will be shadowed by at least a dozen hookers who plan to mount a protest outside the storied gymnasium. They hope to make the public aware that the NBA lockout, which began July 1 and now threatens the entire coming season, is hitting them in the shorts, too.

“Players, their wives and baby mamas ain’t the only ones affected by the lockout,” said Cristal Rae Jones, 24 (not her real age). Pausing to brush a strawberry-tipped extension from her face with a Swarovski-encrusted finger nail, Ms. Jones continued. “I want to see these players ballin’ again so I can get ballin’.”

According to Ms. Jones, every pre- and regular-season NBA game that gets cancelled will cost her at least $2,000 and make it that much more difficult for her to realize her dream of becoming a paralegal.

“I got tuition and rent and a sitter to pay,” said Ms. Jones. “Where else am I gonna make that kinda money for a few hours a night? Workin’ the counter at Wendy’s?”

Juniper Evans, who describes herself as a personal masseuse, complained that the public “doesn’t realize how much we contribute to the NBA’s success. After a game a player needs to blow off steam so he can get his rest. There’s nothin’ like a little skull to put a player at ease. Once I get done drainin’ a player, he can drain the J like a champ.”

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Much to Ms. Evans’ dismay, last week the NBA postponed training camps indefinitely—they had been scheduled to open October 3—and canceled forty-three preseason games through October 15. Prostitutes, who would normally welcome the new NBA season with open legs, now wonder how they can make ends without meat.

Ms. Evans points out that unlike some NBA players who will play overseas during the lockout, she doesn’t have that option.

“I can’t pick and go to Europe like Deron (Willams) or to China like J.R.(Smith),” she said. “Nobody’s gonna provide me with an interpreter and a driver. Besides, I hear the European whores work for candy bars.”

Nor do other “sports” offer the earning potential or the comfort level that basketball does.

“Me and my girlfriend Autumn tried one of those (MLS)soccer games once,” said Ms. Jones. “The Euro players smelled like rotten cabbage, they didn’t tip for shit, and you couldn’t understand a word they said.”

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Like many of her colleagues, Ms. Jones normally won’t “date” anybody lower than the sixth man on the roster; but with games and paydays getting fewer and farther between, she may have to lower her standards—perhaps even offering discounts for some of the lesser-paid players on a team.

“Hell,” she laughed, “if things go on like this, I’ll be doin’ undrafted rookies for chump change behind the dumpster.”

Players leaving the Palestra following a morning shoot around did not want to be interviewed for this article. LeBron James, however, did seem interested to hear that Moniqua Rae Jones was part of the protest. Before getting into a waiting black SUV, he whispered, “She didn’t say where she was stayin’ or nothin’, did she?”    

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