Friday, May 10, 2024
Sporting Life

Michelle Wie Scores Moral Victory over Self

HAWAII – Golfing sensation Michelle Wie, 16, added to her string of moral victories yesterday when she shot a sixty-eight in the second round of the Sony Open here and failed once again in her quest to make the cut at a men’s event.

Wie’s score, which obliterated her first round score of seventy-nine, was easily the most impressive in her string of moral victories.

“This was by far the greatest moral victory Michelle has ever had,” said Ms. Wie’s swing coach, David Leadbeater. “She’s so far ahead of any other woman golfer in terms of moral victories at this point that her only competition comes from herself.”

Ms. Wie’s booming drives and even bigger dreams are money in the bank to the marketers who control sports. She can turn a back-page, below-the-fold event such as the U.S. Amateur Public Links tournament, men’s division, into a sports happening that makes headlines across the globe just by showing up and snatching a moral victory from the jaws of success.

In addition to inspiring women golfers of all ages, ethnicities, and sexual persuasions, Wie displays a grasp of platitudes that belies her age.

“Obviously, I’m disappointed that I didn’t actually win, but it’s not the end of the world,” said Wie. “You have to make lots of birdies and give your opponents, like, no chance.”

“Michelle’s being too hard on herself again as usual,” said Mr. Leadbeater. “She even criticized her performance after her remarkable showing at the U.S. Women’s Open last year.”

In that classic Ms. Wie staged a dramatic come-from-ahead moral victory, dropping from a share of the lead to a tie for twenty-third with Annika Sorenstam, arguably the greatest woman golfer alive. Nobody in the history of golf had ever claimed a moral victory after finishing lower than tenth. The significance of an accomplishment like that isn’t lost on the public.

“I don’t normally follow golf, but didn’t Tiger Woods need eight or nine years on the PGA tour before he missed two cuts?” asked Bitsy Sheriden, 89, a “Wie Warrior” who often travels from an assisted-living facility for Alzheimer’s patients in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania, to see Wie in action.

“This little girl is so accomplished. To my minds she’s the best there ever was already. I think she is precious.”

In related news, Mr. Leadbeater acknowledged in an interview following yesterday’s second round at the Sony Open that golf may be losing “some of its challenge” for Ms. Wie.

“Let’s be real,” said Mr. Leadbeater. “She’s virtually guaranteed a moral victory any time she steps onto the links, against men or women.”

Mr. Leadbeater hinted that Ms. Wie may turn her attention to basketball and enter the NBA draft when she is nineteen.

“Making a WNBA team wouldn’t represent much of a challenge,” said Mr. Leadbeater. “Michelle’s game will be tested against the men. That’s where the moral victories lie.”    

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