LOS ANGELES – Paris Hilton is about to appear nearly naked in a television commercial once again. This time, however, instead of doing a lap dance on a high-powered black car, Hilton will be stretched out on a table at The Total Health Connection touting the glories of colon cleansing on behalf of The International Association for Colon Hydrotherapy, for which she is the 2006 Colon Girl. The following is the text from that commercial.
“Hi, this is Paris Hilton. Perhaps you’ve been wondering how I manage to look so radiant while going to a different club every night, drinking to excess, and fighting off STDs. Sure, being independently wealthy and dating only Greek billionaires helps, but even the rich and famous can feel tired and frumpy sometimes.
“When I get the ‘blues,’ I get on down to The Total Health Connection and get hooked up with a refreshing high colonic purge. Take it from me, Paris Hilton, nothing restores the complexion, invigorates the mind, and cleanses the soul better than a king-size dump. That’s why nearly two thirds of the celebrities in Hollywood—beautiful people like Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, and Kimberly Stewart—rely on high colonics to keep them on the go.
“Perhaps you’re wondering just what this high colonic business is all about. Well, let me tell you, it’s better than sex, and I should know. A high colonic is warm, wonderful, and entirely painless—and best of all, you don’t have to miss any important calls on your cell phone. Besides, it’s quick. In no more than an hour you’ll be back in your Mercedes, ready to hit Decades or The Gucci Store.
“To begin, you lie on this totally comfortable table in a stylishly appointed room. The colonic therapist gently inserts a small rigid tube called a speculum about six inches into your rectum. Oooooooh. Just talking about it gives me goose bumps.
“The therapist attaches the speculum to a gaily colored plastic hose connected to a colon irrigation machine. While soothing Yanni music plays softly in the background, all five feet of your colon are slowly filled with warm, purified, jasmine-scented water.
“This causes the muscles that line the colon to contract and expand rhythmically—as though they’re grooving to a sensuous disco beat—
forcing out that nasty fecal matter, gas, and mucus through an evacuation tube that leads back to the machine. Don’t worry, girls, nobody’s going to laugh if you make a noise like a tuba.
“After the first infusion of water has been expelled, the procedure is repeated until twenty to thirty gallons of water have been flushed through the bowel. Then, before you can say, ‘Stavros, that feels so good,’ you’re ready to go shopping.
“So take it from me, Paris Hilton, Colon Girl for The International Association for Colon Hydrotherapy, if you want to look your best for the holidays, treat yourself to a high colonic right away. No ifs, ands, or butts about it.”
Next Oprah: How High Colonics Can Save Your Marriage
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