Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Someone sitting next to you at a concert will execute the puff-puff-pass maneuver; then he’ll ask you if you can change a twenty. This is a trick question. Don’t rifle through your billfold. Don’t rummage through your purse. Grab your left elbow instead, nod your head vigorously, and mutter, “Into what, a toad?” The stranger will then grant you three wishes. Beware, those have trick answers.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Your devotion to middle-of-the-road, hybrid strains will lead to confusion. In a recurring (or is it reoccurring) dream, your adoptive (or is it adopted) child will insure (or is that ensure) your health and prosperity if you observe an upcoming festal (or it that festive) occasion—and if you finally learn the rules governing the use of that and which.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): While you are channel surfing during a thunderstorm, your remote is struck by a bolt of lightning that scrambles your five senses. You subsequently discover that a rose by any other taste looks like F sharp above middle C. Worse yet, you can’t get anything but Action Bronson and cooking channels on YouTube. For the nonce, don’t smoke anything with a THC level north of 14 percent.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Your financial galaxy is threatened by spam rising in the house of come-ons this quarter. Do not open e-mail with the words opportunity, money, or small African nation in the subject line. Do not visit websites that require proof of age before permitting you to log on. Avoid chat rooms sponsored by any business. Take refuge in Skywalker OG until further notice.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your sun is in debt, your moon is in denial, your stash is in the trash, but the planet Imodium will keep you from losing your shit so long as you don’t have the leftover Szechuan pork for lunch. This weekend, fortune smiles on you, but it’s a Mona Lisa smile. She might have a sharp object hidden under that dowdy frock.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): This week you discover that the entourage effect has nothing to do with Turtle or Johnny Drama. A friend nominates you for membership in DENSA, an honor society for people whose IQs are lower than the temperature on any given day. You qualify when you identify the First Law of Thermodynamics as, “Thou shalt not cover thy neighborhood.” FYI, the DENSA song is sung to the tune of the Oscar Mayer wiener commercial.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Tacky clothes and cheap garden tools figure prominently in your future. We recommend that you score The Seers’ Catalog from High Times books. It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuries. Better yet, it contains discount coupons, a decoder ring, and easy-to-assemble 3-D glasses.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Never answer the door bell when you’re high, unless you’re expecting company. If you do, someone will come to your door this week dressed as Larry King, trying to sell you a garlic supplement. Failing that, he’ll try to sell you ginseng hair dye or his latest product, Interdenominational Hemorrhoid Salve. Failing that, he’ll ask to use your bathroom. Don’t let him. He also hustles Scott Peterson’s handi-knives.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You become obsessed with scanning the bar codes from all your dispensary purchases into your computer. Convinced that the lines constitute a treasure map, you begin digging in the back yard, only to discover a horde of missing household objects buried there, including some prescription drugs and a few moonrocks. When you return to the house, the dog is missing.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Thanks to the miracle of single-source, full-spectrum CBD, the embarrassing rash that kept you indoors most of last month should be gone by now; and that problem with lingering incontinence should be much better, too. Life takes a turn for the paranoid, however, when you hear that the large surly guy who just moved in down the street is in the witness protection program.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Dyslexia Major begins an extended passage through your moon’s ruling sauna this week. As a consequence, you may experience intermittent reading difficulties until the year 2021. Nevertheless, for reasons that we cannot reveal, you stand a good chance of being the first Aquarian born on an even-numbered Wednesday to win a cannabis cup award.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Pisces are known for their ironic inability to breed when they’re stoned, their confusion about the direction in which true north lies, and their fondness for grain alcohol smoothies. This last trait may help to explain the first two, but for all Pisces the cosmic question remains: If your zodiac sign contains fish, why do Pisces rule the feet?
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