LOS ANGELES – Wearing a sackcloth pullover from the Mel Gibson collection, Scientologist Tom Cruise knocked on Brooke Shields’ door to apologize for calling her a stupid, thumb-sucking [twit] on the Today show last year. Ms. Shields, appearing on NBC’s The Tonight Show Friday, told host Jay Leno that Mr. Cruise had dropped in on her at home earlier in the day.
“I was apprehensive at first,”said Ms. Shields. “It’s not every day that a helicopter lands on my golf course unannounced, but when Tom bounded out and asked if I wanted to see a photo of Baby Suri, I knew he was sincere.”
Ms. Shields told Mr. Leno that she wasn’t allowed to hold the photo—much less keep it—”but Tom did give me a full ten seconds to look at it after I had signed a statement agreeing that I would not make any comments about Suri other than to say that she’s a healthy, normal-looking child for her age.”
Arnold Robinson, a spokesman for Mr. Cruise, confirmed Ms. Shields’ story. Mr. Robinson was quick to point out, however, that Mr. Cruise had not changed his opinion about antidepressants or psychiatry, which he still considers a dangerous pseudoscience.
“Tom believes that vitamins, exercise, anal bleaching, and regular high colonics are the best ways to treat postpartum depression,” said Mr. Robinson. “He and Katie, excuse me, Kate, swear by this approach.”
Sumner Redstone, the cadaverous-looking Viacom chairman, who cut off Mr. Cruise’ allowance from Paramount Pictures recently, said he found the timing of Mr. Cruise’ apology curious.
“Was it merely a coincidence that Tom showed up at Brooke’s house the day she was supposed to appear on The Tonight Show?” said Mr. Redstone. “I think not. He can bleach his ass all he wants. I don’t trust the little fag.”
Mr. Cruise could not be reached for comment. According to a source at Hollywood’s Scientology Centre, “Agent Cruise has teleported to New York, where he will apologize to Matt Lauer for calling him glib last year. From there Agent Cruise will travel to Chicago, where he will apologize to Oprah Winfrey for the scuff marks he put on her sofa.”
In other news, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has filed a $10-million lawsuit against a fetus whose mother allegedly “engaged in repeated acts of music piracy.” A spokesperson for the RIAA said the organization expects to have a representative in the delivery room to serve papers on the fetus when the mother gives birth next month.
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