L. RON HUBBARD’S HOUSE – Scientologist Tom Cruise issued a press release today denouncing an article in the journal Biology Letters for reporting that a woman’s ability to achieve an orgasm is more heavily influenced by her genetic makeup than by any other factor. Calling the article “pseudoscientific rubbish,” Cruise declared that virginity is the primary determinant in a woman’s ability to achieve orgasm.
“The longer a woman remains a virgin,” said Cruise, “the more likely she is to enjoy a satisfactory sex life, especially with me.”
In the study that incurred Cruise’ wrath, researchers compared 683 sets of identical twins with 714 sets of non-identical or “fraternal” twins. Both kinds of twins share the same home environment, but identical twins have the same genetic makeup, while fraternal twins have only a 50 percent genetic similarity. Therefore, if a trait is more common among identical than fraternal twins, that trait is more likely to be determined by genetic inheritance.
According to the participants in the study, 28 per cent of the identical twins achieve orgasm every time they have sex, indoors or out, but only 15.7 percent of the fraternal twins reach the Oh-my-god!!! stage during sex. Even more telling, only one out of ten identical twins never reaches a climax with a human partner, but a distressing 23.9 percent of the fraternal twins fail to see the light at the end of their sexual tunnels.
“Therefore,” concluded Trevor Watley-Crum, head researcher of the study, “no element of the environment, not even Barry White records, has a greater influence on the whole as the genetic element does.”
Scientologist Cruise begged to differ.
“My beloved, amazing Katie and I analyzed the Biology Letters data in the Scientology Computer Center,” said Cruise, “and our research indicates that if age at time of initial intercourse is inserted into the equation, things come out differently. We compared frequency of orgasm for women who were eighteen or younger at the time of their first sexual experience to that of women who were twenty-five or older [on opening night]. The orgasm rate nearly tripled for women who were twenty-five or older at the time of their first sexual experience. It’s obvious that virginity is a powerful sexual stimulus. I know this for a first-hand fact.”
Cruise then dropped the bombshell: virgins are more likely to have orgasms while appearing on television award shows than nonvirgins are.
“The sweet, dazzling love of my life was the only woman who had an orgasm onstage during the MTV movie awards,” chuckled Cruise. “She had 9.7 on the Richter scale that brought her to her knee, and I wasn’t even touching her . . .”
In other news, Miramax Films announced it is no longer considering Russell Crowe to play Paul Marcarelli in “Can You Hear Me Now,” the biography of the popular Verizon pitchman.
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