⚡ The Dangers of Too Much Mindfulness Meditation
Federal health officials issued a stern advisory today, warning Americans about the growing dangers of too much mindfulness meditation, which has been linked to chronic awareness, dangerous levels of relaxed breathing, and sudden outbreaks of gratitude.
According to the advisory, symptoms of too much mindfulness meditation often begin innocently. A person closes her eyes for thirty seconds, notices the sound of birds, and begins to appreciate the present moment. Within weeks she is “being where her feet are,” a behavior researchers classify as deeply suspicious.
Emergency rooms have reported cases of spontaneous gratitude, in which otherwise normal adults pause mid-conversation to appreciate sunlight, tea, or the miracle of existence. One man in Oregon reportedly thanked a tree. A Wyoming resident hugged his horse.
“That is when we knew the situation had escalated,” said a spokesperson from the National Institute of Emotional Overregulation.
Public safety officials warn that excessive mindfulness, if left untreated, may lead to more serious complications, including rational decision-making, reduced anxiety, and a decline in doom-scrolling.
To contain the mindfulness meditation crisis, regulators recommend limiting mindfulness exposure to ten minutes per quarter, ideally performed while multitasking with email and a grocery list.
People who experience mindful breathing or feelings of peaceful awareness are advised to restore balance by checking social media, reading the news, or starting an argument on the internet.
“It is important to remember,” the advisory concludes, “that a little mindfulness can be healthy. But too much awareness of the present moment may cause people to notice what is actually happening.”
And nobody is ready for that.
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