December 2005 – Page 2 – postcards from the pug bus

Tom Cruise Pitching Brokeback Mountain Prequel

Chip Hilton 431 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise, who reportedly turned down the role of Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain, is quietly angling to play Twist’s gay ranch cook in a prequel to Brokeback Mountain called Out Behind the Mountain. According to Hollywood insiders, Cruise turned down the role of Twist, which eventually went to Jake Gyllenhaal, because Cruise feared that his portrayal Read More

Celebrities

Paris Hilton’s High Colonic Adventure, An Inside Look

philmaggitti 412 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Paris Hilton is about to appear nearly naked in a television commercial once again. This time, however, instead of doing a lap dance on a high-powered black car, Hilton will be stretched out on a table at The Total Health Connection touting the glories of colon cleansing on behalf of The International Read More

Celebrities

Nicole Richie Book Caused Split with Fiance

Biff Scuzzy 407 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Nicole Richie’s book The Truth about Diamonds apparently contained too much “truth” about her fiance, Adam Goldstein, a professional club DJ who goes by the name DJ AM. According to friends of the couple, Goldstein, 32, was offended by Richie’s archly satirical portrayal of DJ PM, a professional club DJ, in Diamonds. “He seen too much Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston Sued over Topless Photos

Chip Hilton 384 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston is being sued by photographer Peter Brandt, who charges that Aniston “wantonly exposed her breasts” in her backyard, thereby interfering with his ability to earn a living. According to an attractive nuisance suit filed by Brandt’s attorney in Los Angeles, the incident occurred three weeks ago when Brandt, 53, was Read More

Religion

Jesus Christ Unhappy with Chronicles of Narnia Campaign

philmaggitti 438 Views 3 min read

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN – The Lord God Jesus Christ is “sore displeased” with the Disney Corporation. Through a special arrangement with Google, Jesus issued via Gmail a simultaneous statement to 4,500 news sources around the world, disavowing “any craven attempt to profit from the unauthorized use of My image as the Lion of Judah.” “My Read More

Culture Politics

President Bush to Withdraw Serial Comma

philmaggitti 511 Views 3 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A high-level source in the White House, speaking on condition of anonymity, has revealed that President Bush will announce in a major television address tomorrow night that he is withdrawing the serial comma from the Federal Elements of Style. Consequently, as of December 24, writers employed in any government office will not Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston Mocks Pitt for Adopting Jolie’s Kids

Chip Hilton 415 Views 2 min read

PHOENIX, Ariz. – Brad Pitt has filed a legal petition in Los Angeles seeking to change the names of Angelina Jolie’s children to Zahara Brangelina and Maddox Brangelina. His decision was met with scorn from his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. The Friends star declared that Pitt was “too lazy and too [hen-pecked]” to find children to adopt on Read More

Celebrities

Jessica Simpson Thought Prenuptial Agreement Would Lead to Sex

philmaggitti 414 Views 1 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Jessica Simpson did not sign a prenuptial agreement before marrying Nick Lachey because she was determined to remain a virgin until her wedding night. According to Access Hollywood, Lachey reportedly had a prenuptial agreement drawn up by his attorney before he and Simpson were married in 2002. At the time Lachey was the Read More