Horoscope Puzzles: Satirical Forecasts You Must Solve Yourself

The stars have grown tired of making up stuff. They called in sick and left this lesson plan for today. In horoscope puzzles, each sign is provided a puzzle instead of advice, because clarity only encourages expectations. Answers will be revealed in your next life, possibly while you are listening to music on hold. There are no wrong answers. There are no right answers either. There is only whatever you decide the puzzle means while you wait for the kettle to boil.

â“ Aries … A message arrives that you meant to send, a task appears that you meant to finish, and a feeling resurfaces that you meant to ignore. All three stand in a row and demand your attention. Which one do you choose first, and what does it steal from the other two?

â“ Taurus … You open your wallet and find a receipt from a past mistake, a loyalty card for a habit you no longer enjoy, and a small forgotten note in your own handwriting. Which one describes your future, and how can something that old still make any sense?

â“ Gemini … Two versions of you walk into a bar, then into the same conversation. One says everything, one says nothing, both leave feeling misunderstood. Which words remained in your throat today, and who invented the idea that understanding must live in sentences?

â“ Cancer … Your home speaks in objects. A chipped mug, an unread book, and a chair that holds more laundry than people do–small verdicts about your life. Which judge do you face today, and what sentence do you give yourself before they say a word?

â“ Leo … The spotlight arrives on time, but the audience is you, the applause is imaginary, and the script is missing page one. Do you perform anyway, or do you rewrite the story while standing on stage, and how loud does silence sound when you bow to it?

â“ Virgo … You sort your thoughts into three piles: urgent, important, and imaginary. By the end of the day the piles have migrated and mixed themselves. Which single thought escaped your system, and did it take a flaw or a fantasy with it when it left?

â“ Libra … You place two choices on opposite sides of a scale and place your mood in the center. By evening the scale still wobbles. Do you step off and let the choice make you, or do you keep adjusting the weights until the night forgets your question?

â“ Scorpio … A secret, a suspicion, and a truth share the same costume and attend the same party. You dance with each in turn and remember only how they made you feel. Which one do you invite home in your thoughts tonight, and how will you tell them apart?

â“ Sagittarius … Your arrow is already in flight, but the target keeps changing shape: a job, a trip, a person, a story. You cannot call the arrow back. Do you rename whatever it hits and call it destiny, or do you admit that the aim was never the interesting part?

â“ Capricorn … You climb a ladder that leans against a wall you forgot to examine. Halfway up you realize the wall belongs to someone else. Do you keep climbing for the exercise, climb down for dignity, or move the ladder while standing on it and call that strategy

â“ Aquarius … Three notifications try to recruit your soul: one promises outrage, one promises belonging, one promises distraction. You tap only one, but all three rearrange your attention. Which version of you logs out tonight, and which one remains in the feed of your own mind?

â“ Pisces … A dream, a memory, and a prediction sit in the same puddle and reflect the same sky. You bend down to look, and see all three at once. Which one swims back into your day, and how can you tell whether the water remembers you as well?

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.