Ten Lame Excuses for Returning Christmas Presents

Returning Christmas presents is a time-honored tradition. Legend has it that the very first returned gift was frankincense, deemed “too fragrant” by the recipient who requested store credit for myrrh instead. Since that blessed day in Bethlehem, humanity has perfected the art of graciously accepting presents before sprinting to the returns counter on December 26th. It is a ritual as sacred as the holiday itself: the fake smile, the enthusiastic “I love it,” followed by the quiet betrayal of exchanging that hand-knit scarf for literally anything else. What follows are ten pathetic excuses people deploy when returning perfectly good gifts, ranked by their sheer audacity and transparent dishonesty.

“I already have one.” Oh really? You already have a singing fish plaque? What are the odds? Maybe your life is more sorted than we thought.

“It does not match my aesthetic.” Your aesthetic? Right. Because your apartment that looks like a college dorm and a storage unit had a baby is so carefully curated.

“I am allergic.” Allergic to cotton. Allergic to books. Allergic to gift cards. You are not allergic. You are just returning it.

“It is the wrong size.” It is a candle. The candle does not have a size. The candle just exists for a while, then it becomes the same size as every damn other candle..

“I got two of these.” Translation: someone else gave me the exact same mediocre gift, and I am keeping theirs because I like them better.

“It is not my color.” It is a black wallet. Black is everyone’s color. You are grasping at straws here.

“I do not have room for it.” You do not have room for a bookmark. Where exactly do you live? A shoe box? A submarine? Get a drawer.

It is too nice to use.” So you are returning it… to do what with the money? Buy something less nice that you will actually use? Make it make sense.

“I am minimizing my life right now.” You are minimizing your life starting with this scented soap set, but somehow your Amazon cart still has forty-seven items in it.

“I think they gave me the receipt by accident.” No accident happened here. That receipt was tucked in there like a little escape hatch. They knew. You know they knew. We all know.

We put the list in the listeria, click here before articles like this are gone forever.