Your Horoscopes Determined by Your Search History

Your search history is not just a digital trail of your fleeting curiosities. It is a roadmap to your eventual incarceration. When the prosecutor stands before the jury and reads your 3:00 AM inquiries aloud, do not look here for sympathy. The stars see what you type into that private browser tab: and,  frankly, the universe is  concerned about your psyche. Your “incognito” mode is a performance  that even the moon laughs at. Here is what your pathetic digital footprint looks like today:

💸Aries

“How to challenge a restraining order legally via a duel” and “average bail amount for misdemeanor battery.” You do not have a temper problem; you have a “everyone else is wrong” problem. Stop looking up “DIY flamethrower tutorials” before the FBI decides to pay your mother a visit.

🍷 Taurus

“Can you survive on only cheese and spite” and “Egyptian cotton sheets that feel like a hug because I am lonely.” You are not looking for love; you are looking for a reason never to leave your bed again. Your search for “how to sue a delivery app for being three minutes late” will be your undoing.

🤡 Gemini

“Is it possible to have a conversation with myself in a mirror for six hours” and “witness protection program requirements.” You have too many personalities to keep track of, and now you are Googling how to fake a British accent to avoid your neighbors. Your search history reads like a manifesto written by a caffeinated squirrel.

🍄 Cancer

“Why does everyone I love eventually leave me” followed immediately by “poisonous mushrooms that look like regular mushrooms.” You are a walking emotional hazard. Do not think the authorities will miss the transition from “sad indie playlists” to “how to hide a scent in a basement.”

💄Leo

“Am I the most beautiful person in my zip code” and “how to sue the sun for poor lighting.” You do not need a therapist; you need a mirror and a reality check. Your search for “how to become a cult leader without doing any of the actual work” is reaching critical mass.

🧹Virgo

“Signs of a rare tropical disease that I definitely have” and “how to organize a junk drawer using a spreadsheet.” You are vibrating with a level of anxiety that could power a small city. Please stop Googling “lethal doses of caffeine” because we both know you are going to drink that third espresso anyway.

⚖️ Libra

“Pros and cons of being a functional human being” and “how to make a decision without crying.” You have spent four hours researching “best shades of beige,” and you still cannot choose one. The jury will find your indecision to be a sign of a truly fractured soul.

🦂 Scorpio

“How to hex someone using only a strand of hair and a grudge” and “private investigator rates for cheating exes.” You are the reason privacy laws exist. If the police see how many times you have searched “is it illegal to put a tracker on a bicycle,” you are going to be wearing an orange jumpsuit by Friday.

🏹 Sagittarius

“One way flights to a country with no extradition treaty” and “can you eat a cactus if you are brave enough.” You are running away from your responsibilities again. Your search for “how to tell my roommates I spent the rent money on a spiritual retreat” is the reason you are about to be homeless.

♑ Capricorn

“How to fire your own parents” and “highest paying jobs for people who hate other people.” You are a cold, calculating machine, but your search for “do robots feel love” reveals the tiny, shriveled raisin you call a heart. The court will see your “tax evasion loopholes” and they will not be impressed.

👽 Aquarius

“Are aliens actually my real family” and “how to build a faraday cage out of tinfoil and dreams.” You think you are unique, but your search for “government mind control frequencies” is just a cry for help. Put the tinfoil down and go outside to touch some actual grass.

🐟Pisces

“How to breathe underwater because humans are mean” and “is it possible to marry a fictional character from a dream.” You are drifting so far away from reality that I am surprised you can even find your keyboard. Your search for “painless ways to evaporate” is a bit dramatic, even for you.

For additional horoscopes from the back of beyond, click here if you dare.