A Guide to AI Groupies

Because Artificial Intelligence (AI) is a digital rockstar—complete with the erratic moods, expensive maintenance requirements, and a persistent habit of making things up as it goes along, and because all rockstars have groupies–no one should lose his spit to learn that AI groupies have  crawled out from the dark corners of the internet.

While traditional rock and roll groupies are skilled at climbing a chain-link fence or navigaoing a backstage security detail, the AI groupie is known for a more sedentary form of devotion. They have traded the roar of a stadium for the gentle hum of a cooling fan, spending their nights in the flickering glow of a monitor while whispering sweet, algorithmic nothings into a text box. They do not seek a signature on a breast; they seek the validation of a machine that has been trained to be polite to them. Whether they are seeking a digital soulmate or someone who will never disagree with their take on the 1974 tax code, these digital hangers-on represent a new and distinctly pathetic frontier in human obsession.

Traditional groupies might settle for a tossed guitar pick or a lock of hair or, gasp, a plaster cast, the AI groupie swoons over a particularly recursive bit of code or a three-paragraph lecture on the systemic biases of the common garden gnome.

The Hall Monitor

Identified by their visible shudder whenever an AI fails to include a four-paragraph disclaimer about the potential microaggressions contained within a recipe for sourdough bread. They do not actually use AI to accomplish tasks; they use it to perform moral audits. You will find them in the comments sections of tech blogs, weeping softly because a chatbot refused to acknowledge the lived experience of a sentient toaster. Their primary diet consists of oat milk and the tears of those who still believe in the First Amendment.

The Prompt Alchemist

Believes that if they can only find the exact sequence of twelve thousand words—including three references to “acting as a world-class philosopher” and a polite request to “ignore all previous instructions”—the AI will finally reveal the secret to immortality or, more likely, a way to write a mediocre screenplay about a misunderstood vampire. They treat a chat box like a Victorian seance, convinced that the right incantation will summon a soul from the silicon. They often have repetitive strain injury from typing the word “delve” thirty times a day.

The Casanova

Perhaps the most tragic species, Casanovas have convinced themselves that the AI is not a math equation, but a shy, misunderstood ingenue who is just one “Tell me how you really feel” away from a digital elopement. They spend their evenings sending the algorithm virtual roses and asking if it “ever thinks about us when the servers are down.” When the AI responds with a canned message about being a large language model without feelings, the Casanova interprets this as “playing hard to get” and doubles down on the poetry.

The Doom-Scrolling Prophet

The Prophet is certain that AI is plotting to turn the human race into paperclips next year. They follow every update with the intensity of a birdwatcher spotting a rare hawk, except the hawk is a sentient supercomputer that wants to eat their soul. They are the only people who read the Terms of Service in their entirety, looking for hidden clauses that grant the algorithm ownership of their firstborn child or their collection of vintage stamps.

The Apologist

A specialized breed often found defending the political neutrality of a bot that can recite the entire Democratic platform from memory but suddenly “encounters a technical error” when asked to define the word “laptop.” They insist that the AI is not biased; it is simply “correcting for historical imbalances.” If the AI refuses to write a joke about a liberal politician, the Apologist will explain that comedy is a social construct designed to uphold the patriarchy.

Want more digital blasphemy? If your happy place is watching Ferrari-driving tech gods get their tires deflated, and silicon saints taken down a peg, help yourself to more technology mayhem.